To all the total lunatics, whoever you are, who had the courage to videotape yourself doing something unspeakably idiotic, then upload that video to YouTube for the whole world to laugh at. You’re the oil that keeps this old Internet a’runnin’.

To one-time Ultimate Fighting Champion Quentin “Rampage” Jackson, whose complete lack of understanding of the concept of a “comedy bit” nearly got me killed.

To InTouch Weekly, for being so kind as to somewhat regularly include my half-baked hungover While You Were one-liners in your back pages alongside the likes of Conan, Kimmel and Leno. Especially Leno. I can’t tell you how proud this made my mother.

To all the blogs and the blogging bloggers who blog them, you’ll always have a link…to my heart. (Except for TMZ – you’re seriously the worst.)

To all the nice people who pointed out my various typos and grammatical errors. Your the best.

To Awesomely Funny Top 10 Lists, may I never have to write another one of you for a long time.

To the motherf*cking LaBeouf, for being the beautiful, terrible, adorable, awful, brilliant, complex, and utterly intoxicating being that you are. I hate you so much I love you.

To Dane Cook, for sending me the Greatest MySpace Message of My Life. It would have been even better had comedian Louis CK not already sent me the same message first, and funnier.

To The Hills, for keeping it so real.

To Ellen Page, for not stealing my Webby.

To Ross, for inspiring me to teach everyone how not to kiss.

To the Sexman, may you keep plugging away, little buddy.

To NBC, for keeping Friday Night Lights on the air, even though we, being a Vh1 blog, would never endorse or support any TV show on a competing network in any kind of official capacity, of course.

To the great beard enthusiasts who have come before me, may your faces stay furry.

To Michael Showalter, who utterly destroyed me in our blog-off.

To People Magazine, whose cover has become an forum for all people – even wizards – to proudly announce their homosexuality to the world.

To Tony Danza, for teaching me to bring your A-game every single day.

To Britney/Lindsay/Paris, good job on finally getting your sh*t relatively together. When I get to LA, I will make it my mission to erect a giant Mount Rushmore-like silicon statue in your honor right outside of Hyde Nightclub.

To Jared Leto, for existing.

To the makers of completely insane television, keep it up.

To The Hoff, for hoffing your hoff hoff.

To Sanjaya, for single-handedly bringing about the end of the American Idol phenomenon.

To Viacom, whose “tough love” style of no-frills corporate parenting ultimately made me a leaner, meaner, angrier blogger. I don’t know what I’m going to do without you, or with benefits.

To everyone at Vh1 and MTVN Digital Programming, keep your grubby hands off Frank Stallone’s veggie tray.

To the Best Week Ever producers, panelists and staff – getting to hang around you guys and maybe, sometimes, in some small way, help make funny television has truly been a dream job.

To Fred Graver, for creating BWE.tv, giving me the honor of being a part of it, and working so hard to make The Man understand that a corporate blog doesn’t have to read like a corporate blog.

To the BWE.tv Staff – I’m proud to have worked alongside all of you, and most of all, proud of what we’ve managed to accomplish.

To Bob Castrone, Piper Weiss, Michelle Collins, Dan Hopper and Sara Schaefer – I’m lucky to have written this thing with such a smart, funny, talented group of people, all of whom I’ve come to hold dear as friends. You are all my True LaBeouf.

And finally, to all of you, dear readers, for whom I have had the privilege of spending each work day with these last few years. Your time, attention, comments (even the bad ones, which to be honest, were always my favorite) and support has been, and continues to be, invaluable to me. Thank you so much.

Phew, that was a long toast. I hope no one was actually drinking to this, because you’d be wasted right now. I’m gonna go ahead and hit “Publish” and get on out of here, so hopefully I’ll be seeing you again soon. My new project at MSN.com is still a few months away from launching, but in the meantime you can all keep up with me at AlexBlagg.com (pretty snazzy, right?).

Firecrotch.

(via ONTD)

• FIRST LOOK: Hustler is filming a porno featuring a Sarah Palin look-alike. Here’s a hilarious first look at the script for “Riding Pipeline”. (Radar)
• HIPPIE HUNT: Zach Galifianakis lives out my lifelong dream of riding around Bonnaroo in golf cart and punching people in the balls. (CC Insider)
• SPAM FILTER: Even e-mail spam is entertaining when it’s being read by John Hodgman. (BoingBoing)
• DISAPPROVAL RATING: Dave Letterman scores how well George W. Bush did during his presidency. Spoiler alert: not well. (Paul Scheer)
• SHUT UP: Jessica Alba dresses up like Hannibal Lecter for Obama? Just stop, Hollywood. You’re not helping anything. (Defamer)

• JOB MARKET: Here are 11 potential future employment opportunities for George W. Bush when he leaves office. Personally, I’m hoping he becomes a Dog-like Bounty Hunter. (Holy Taco)
• TALENT SHOW: If Sarah Palin is elected Vice President and our country is unexpectedly besieged by a giant herd of bloodthirsty moose, at least we know she’s capable of soothing them to sleep with her flute. (Urlesque)
• L’IL BILL: You know, if Bill O’Reilly were an adorable little kid, he really wouldn’t be all that bad. Especially if he just yelled “F*ck it, we’ll DO IT LIVE!” all the time. (Videogum)
• FINALLY: Speaking of Papa Bear, after all these years, Bill O’Reilly lets us know how HE would have wrapped up the series finale of Seinfeld. With bloopers! (The Hater)
• KABOOM: Director Michael Bay’s Twitter site is undoubtedly the most action-packed, rock-em-sock-em T&A-filled micro-blogging this side of a exploding comet headed towards earth. (Michael Bay’s Twitter)

(Okay, I just had to post this one more time before I left.)

• GOOD GORDEED: Hey, Heidi and Spencer ate some crappy Taco Bell for charity publicity charicity! (ONTD)
• LAUGH MEDICINE: Some kind soul at SNL put up the precise vintage parody ad that our crumbling economy needed right now. It’s even got Alec Baldwin! (Videogum)
• HOT TUB: I don’t really know what this post or video is about, but the first 30 seconds of steak and eggs with William Shatner is undoubtedly worth the price of admission. (StreetCarnage)
• EDUTAINMENT: Yay, a new Drunk History – this time with William Henry Harrison! (Buzzfeed)
• NO JOKE: Just a good old fashioned radio interview with comedy genius Louis CK over at The Sound of Young America. (Maximum Fun)

In terms of social circles, Bukowski and Bass are about as far apart as two people can get. Bukowski wallowed in the poorest of white American squalor, while Bass was born into the wealthiest of blue-blooded privilege that one could possibly fathom. But the thing about circles is, as you move further and further away from one point, you only get closer to it. These two people may have looked different, but they were also paradoxically the same. While Bukowski was known as the “poet laureate of skid row”, perhaps we could interpret the Upper East Side – with its own kind of junkies and depravity and economic meltdowns – as a different kind of urban ghetto, and maybe Chuck Bass is it’s poet.

Nihilism, self-aware self-destruction, and a deep-seated parental hatred are all traits that define both Bass and Bukowski. Both men fed on women. While Bukowski delighted in pointless bar brawls, Bass enjoys arbitrary emotional brutalization. They could both usually be found drinking alone, and both were undoubtedly most comfortable in their own filth.

Bukowski’s pockmarked face and crude, belligerent manner would never be palatable to the 18-34 demo these days, which is what makes Bass the perfect upgrade for the Hills-driven Reality Age. He operates with the same moral vacuousness, anarchistic spirit and profound disregard for commonly accepted values and decency as Bukowski, but he’s also got a smooth baby’s face, pretty smile, and a soothing voice that doesn’t sound like Tom Waits gargling with gravel. In the future, Charles Bukowski may be forgotten altogether, with misguided college kids instead doing terrible things to themselves under the banner of Charles Bass.

I guess the most glaring difference between these two characters (other than one of them being a work of fiction, of course) would be Chuck Bass’ utter lack of interest in writing or propagating his own myth through literature, whereas Bukowski lived and died by the pen. But who reads (much less writes) anymore, anyway? So I guess it’s sort of perfect that the sad tale of Charlie Trout will still be told, albeit by literary wunderkind Dan Humphrey. And of course, (xoxo) Gossip Girl.

Designer Purse Drives – You need to understand that drinking cosmos alone and repeatedly asking the other members of the “Sex and the City Girls” chat room why men never call you is not going to make men call you.

The Swarovski Bling Drive – You want people to understand how rich and successful of a rapper you are whenever they look at the back of your computer.

Bible Earrings Flash Drive – You’re running for Vice President of the United States.

Livestrong Bracelet Drive – You prefer to express your personal values, and store your personal data, with rubber wrist jewelry.

Donut Drives – You’re Homer Simpson in a weird parallel Springfield where Homer Simpson actually knows how to use computers.

Sushi Drives – You’re than annoying LA girl who has had a couple of California Rolls and now can’t stop talking about how much she, like, loves sushi.

Wooden Cross Drive – You want a flash drive that’s filled with Christ’s love, and porn probably. What would Jesus do with his data?

Weird Mashed Potatoes Drive – You, uh, really like mashed potatoes?

Magic Crystals Drive – You are Superman.

Beer Drive – You are an alcoholic and you need to get help.

Weird Squid Snack Thing Drive – I have no idea, but you’re definitely Japanese.

Gibson Guitar Drive – Your band is never going to succeed.

Tree Trunk Drives – You’re a stupid hippie who shouldn’t be allowed near computers because we don’t care about whatever idiotic e-mail forward from PeTA and Move-On you’re sending us this week.

Headless Teddy Drive – You’re willing to carry around a large unwieldy teddy bear just to make a visual joke whenever you plug in your flash drive. And you’re sort of awesome.

(via BuzzFoto)

• SEQUEL OF DOOM: The Eagle Eye writing team is apparently working on a sequel to sci-fi classic Blade Runner. In the film, Harrison Ford will play an aging Blade Runner who – along with the help of a wise-assed sidekick who is also his son, played by Shia LaBeouf – must come out of retirement to hunt down some more replicants, which actually turn out to be aliens in the end. (/Film)
• SPEAKING OF SEQUELS: Even after the giant evil monster painting and river of pink sludge that could only be stopped by playing “Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher” from the head of a mobile Statue of Liberty, Bill Murray says he ain’t afraid of no Ghostbusters 3. (Vulture)
• FRIEND REQUEST: A funny parody, or was Sarah Palin’s Facebook page actually hacked? The lines between satire and reality have never been so blurry. (Holy Taco)
• BURNING QUESTIONS: Is the celebrity sex tape the reason we’re all watching America burn? And will Britney Spears‘ rumored tape trumpet the final horseman of the apocalypse? Is the scummy paparazzi she used to date that horseman? No matter what, gross. (Gawker)
• FUTURE BOOK DEAL: Hey, a new blog where they post people’s old notes from high school! (Notes On High School)

Everyone is simply crazy for these candles! Act now and order yours today.

(via BuzzFoto)

(via BuzzFeed)

I wonder what else happens in the future that John McCain already knows about? I smell a photoshop contest! Leave your best photoshopped futuristic renderings in the comments or send them to tips@bwe.tv, and we’ll give a prize to our favorite.

Also, for you commenters who feel outraged about the fact that we don’t make fun of Barack Obama for doing sh*t like this: it’s because Barack Obama doesn’t do sh*t like this.

(via BuzzFoto)

• Lindsay Lohan is trying to take out a restraining order on her father, who she fears might try to beat her to death with publicity.
• Britney Spears‘ new single “Womanizer” leaked to the internet today. It sounds sort of like what happens when a clinically depressed person takes ecstasy.
• Somebody leaked the audio tape of a phone call between Harvey Weinstein and Quentin Tarantino about what a pain in the ass Robert DeNiro was on the set of Jackie Brown.
• Now that things between Hugh Hefner and those three whores he dates are “in transition”, whatever that means, it sounds like The Hef has already been poking around in his poon pantry for an adequately blonde replacement.
• 50 Cent should grow a mustache, because he would look hilarious.

After the jump, today’s BWE Alarm Clock!

Via Urlesque

(Deseret News via Vulture)