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Adam Winer's Archive

25 May
Friday

An Attempt To Understand Eddie Vedder’s Mumbles

Check out this video that attempts to decipher the lyrics to the Pearl Jam song “Yellow Ledbetter.” It’s pretty funny. This is one of those utterly indecipherable songs that I don’t think anyone knows the actual lyrics to–and Eddie Vedder will often change the lyrics when singing it live anyway, so it just might be that there aren’t any real lyrics. In light of all that, I’m going to go with what this guy came up with. No matter what Eddie Vedder is actually trying to say, his real lyrics will never be as good as “Make me fries.”


(Thanks go out to Pop Candy for the find.)

25 May
Friday

Rosie O’Donnell Butchers Amy Winehouse

What was Rosie doing the morning of her blow-up with Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Well, she was getting her makeup put on and… creating this vaguely horrifying video of herself singing along to Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab” to post to her blog. Check it out: This is perhaps the most dour sing-a-long ever captured on video. You will want to look away, yet you will not be able to.

25 May
Friday

While You Were Preparing To Sneak Out Of Work Early

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  • Apparently, the Rosie O’Donnell/Elisabeth Hasselbeck feud got all third-grade yesterday, when Rosie’s chief writer was escorted from the building after being caught drawing mustaches on pictures of Elisabeth that hang in The View studios. Drawing mustaches! Luckily, security got to her before she had a chance to stand behind Elisabeth and give her bunny ears.
  • A source is claiming that Paula Abdul didn’t injure herself by tripping over her chihuahua as she claimed, but instead threw something into a mirror and took a piece of glass to the face. This seems unlikely because who would come up with a cover story as ridiculous as, “I tripped over my chihuahua.” Uh wait, maybe Paula…
  • Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin’s 8-year-old daughter, Bindi, will be getting her own animal show called Bindi: The Jungle Girl, which will feature plenty of archival footage of her with her now-dead father. This certainly won’t be creepy at all.
  • After implying that Keira Knightley’s gaunt image caused the death of an anorexic teenager, London’s Daily Mail has been ordered to pay the skeletal star $6,000. Part of the verdict should have been a requirement that she spend all the money on Russian Bear Weight Gainer.
  • The wannabe porn star who changed her name to Katee Holmes has created a website that counts down the days, minutes and seconds until she’s deflowered on camera (T-minus 26 days and counting!). Here’s betting she has sex with her partner sooner than the real Katie Holmes has sex with hers.
24 May
Thursday

Moving The O.C. To The U.E.S.

Here we have a six-minute presentation of Gossip Girl coming next fall to the CW. It’s next season’s best hope for a new guilty pleasure teen soap opera–yet I’m not totally convinced. The show’s about hot, rich, sexed-up youngins’ on Manhattan’s Upper East Side and it’s created by Josh Schwartz, the man who can be thanked then blamed for The O.C. Plus it will feature voiceovers from Kristen Bell, aka Veronica Mars, as the titular Gossip Girl, who’s a blogger. And we love bloggers! And Kristen Bell! But we’re not sure if we’re loving the dialogue and drama in this trailer. The UES setup and set of characters seems ripe for good soap-action, but I’d appreciate more O.C.-ish wit in the talky talk. (May I remind you all that, despite what it became, The O.C. was a great soap its first season.) Still, I’ll be giving it a try come the fall…

24 May
Thursday

TRAILER MIX: Michael Moore Invades Cuba For Sicko

The government got all uppity two weeks ago about Michael Moore taking an unauthorized trip to Cuba with 9/11 first responders for his new film Sicko. Now that the trailer for the film has been released, we can see what he was up to. And it’s kinda funny, in a Michael Moore, I’m-enjoying-being-a-pain-in-the-ass kind of way. (It’s not at all what I imagined it would be after I had heard the news reports.) The documentary goes all pitbull on the health care industry, and it looks like Moore had his usual good time pulling together a collection of unflattering facts and embarrassing film footage. If the trailer alone isn’t enough for you, there’s a YouTube page full of Sicko video here.

24 May
Thursday

CAPTION THIS: Drilling Holes In Grapefruit

Here’s our caption for this new movie poster from the upcoming film Good Luck Chuck: “We couldn’t afford a pie. Plus I have a stumpy penis.”

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(Other posters in the series include this cool one of Jessica Alba)

24 May
Thursday

Heidi And Spencer Agree To Antogonize Each Other For As Long As They Both Shall Live

heidispencer.jpgThere are very few stories which elicit a physical response from me. This one did: Hills stars Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have gotten engaged. I know, I know, when I first saw the headline, I literally gasped. This is a travesty of poor judgment. The story was broken by US Weekly, which quotes a source as saying that Heidi is, “Over the moon!” Which makes it official: This is the worst case of Stockholm syndrome since Patty Hearst.

No date has been set yet for the nuptials, but whenever they roll around, here’s what I’d like to get the new couple as wedding presents:

  • Two brand new cars So they can drive away from each other.
  • An action figure So Spencer has something besides Heidi to manipulate.
  • Spilled milk So Heidi has something besides Spencer to cry over.
  • A china hutch To store all their regrets.
  • A spare bedroom To hold all the could-have-beens.
  • A swimming pool To contain all the I-Told-You-So’s.
  • An annulment
24 May
Thursday

While You Were Crying For Blake And/Or Someone From Lost Whose Name We Won’t Put In A Headline For Fear Of Spoiling The Moment For Those Of You With TiVo

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  • Sure, Jordin won American Idol last night, but she wasn’t the only one to get lucky. Check out this Craigslist post with the headline: “working at idol…need a sex break.” The poster describes himself as a “sexy, athletic, and passionate guy” looking for “good looking sexy guys who are oral tops” for a pre-show stress reliever. There is no word on whether Ryan Seacrest found anyone.
  • Alec Baldwin has returned to CAA, the agency he fired during that rough patch he had a month ago. We’re guessing this is step one of Project: Let’s Pretend This Whole Phone Message-Thing Never Happened.
  • You probably assumed the schools in Louisiana couldn’t get any worse. You were wrong. It turns out that, in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, John Travolta has helped convince a Louisiana middle school to begin using Scientology-based methods. Perhaps it was better when those kids were just illiterate…
  • After the split-screen throwdown between Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View yesterday (watch it here), Rosie is thinking of quitting the show early. And she says won’t be showing up for work today. Don’t fall for this Elisabeth! She’s just trying to lull you into a false sense of security! Keep your bodyguards on Orange alert!
  • Michael Jackson has scored almost $10 million just to show up at a birthday party for a prince of Brunei. He doesn’t even have to sing. Or maybe it’s $10 million so he doesn’t sing.
23 May
Wednesday

…OF THE DAY

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  • TOOTSIES: Feed your foot fetish with this shot of Ashley Olsen’s tiny toes squeezed into an even tinier shoe. Are the Olsen twins trying to bring Chinese foot binding back into fashion? (Just Jared)
  • FREE MONEY: Some random dude in Queens managed to pass $70,000 in bad checks–all deducted from the account of Rosie O’Donnell’s production company. No word on whether he was acting under the direct orders of O’Donnell arch-enemy Elisabeth Hasselbeck. (TMZ)
  • TAMPERING: The judge in the Phil Spector case has ruled that Dr. Henry Lee–the forensic expert we all fell in love with back in the days of OJ–removed a piece of evidence from the crime scene as he was reviewing it for the defense. We’re sure it’s all a misunderstanding–you know how evidence has a pesky way of accidentally falling into your pocket. (AP)
  • WRITER’S BLOCK: Remember that tell-all book Oprah’s dad was gonna write? Yeah, well it seems that since the news broke, he’s changed his mind and put the book “on hold.” Sounds like someone got a call from The Big O. (NY Daily News)
  • ACCUSATIONS: Fighting charges that she’s an unfit parent, certified totally sane person Anne Heche has filed court papers alleging that her soon-to-be-ex husband–the awesomely named Coley Laffoon–does nothing all day but “[play] ping pong, backgammon, poker and [view] pornography online.” Which just rings false. Who the hell still plays backgammon these days? Especially when there’s online pornography to view… (TMZ)
23 May
Wednesday

TRAILER MIX: Real Dog Becomes Underdog

Why are they doing this? Why have they taken Underdog and made a live-action movie out of him? In this Underdog film, Jason Lee supplies the voice to a real beagle that’s had it’s dignity utterly robbed from it by being forced into a superhero costume. Still the trailer is worth watching just to see what attrocity they’ve committed and to have something to bitch about later on with your friends. The adaptation is being done by Disney, so they’re obviously hoping to court a young audience. I can only hope they fail. Because if Underdog falls now, can Hong Kong Phooey be far behind? And having to watch a live dog changing clothes in a filing cabinet would be just too much for me to bear…