There have been plenty of creepy songs over the last thousand or so years. (Mozart‘s Requiem anybody? Well everybody, eventually.) We’ve decided to compile The 88 Creepiest Song Titles Of All Time. To be fair, we left out pretty much every death metal title because, frankly, they’re all pretty creepy.
Click on the names of each artist to hear the selection. And feel free to weigh in on any song titles we may have left out in the comments.
88. “My Ding-A-Ling” Chuck Berry
A no-brainer. It’s a song about a little boy discovering his penis, and it’s sung by a man well into his 40s. Perverted Justice’s favorite tune.
87. “Two Lovely Black Eyes” Charles Coborn
What’s lovelier than a woman who was beaten in the face twice? According to Charles Coborn, nothing!
86. “With Her Head Tucked Underneath Her Arm” Stanley Holloway
A song about Anne Boleyn, just hangin out holding her own head. Nothing to see here! (See? Because her eyes aren’t connected to her body anymore.)
85. “Psycho Killer” Talking Heads
Catchiest song about a blood-thirsty murderer evs.
84. “Hell is For Children” Pat Benatar
Hell is a scary notion. The only way to make it scarier? Make it full of evil children. M. Night Shammies, get on this.
83. “Don’t Let Daddy Kiss Me” Motorhead
A fine title for a song about child molestation actually. Solid, to the point.
82 songs ahead, including the creepiest song title ever…
82. “You’ve Really Got A Hold On Me” Smokey Robinson & The Miracles
No. Really, your grip is quite strong… Seriously, the joke is over. Cue the end of The Talented Mr. Ripley.
81. “Don’t Eat Stuff Off The Sidewalk” The Cramps
When my father was growing up in Brooklyn, he knew a girl who used to chew already been chewed pieces of gum stuck to the sidewalk. It remains to be one of the most horrifying stories from my own childhood. Actually, the more I think about it, the less creepy the title becomes. It’s actually a great rule of thumb.
80. “Hand in My Pocket” Alanis Morissette
Cute if it’s Alanis’ own hand, f*cking terrifying if you just found someone else’s hand fishing around in there. Or worse, not moving at all.
79. “Bette Davis Eyes” Kim Carnes
Now when you says “She’s got Bette Davis Eyes” do you mean in her head? Or in her purse? Also how old is Bette in this scenario? Hopefully not this old.
78. “Man In The Mirror” Michael Jackson
There is someone. behind you.
77. “I Saw an X-Ray of a Girl Passing Gas” The Butthole Surfers*
To be fair, I’d be highly curious to see this X-Ray myself. Science these days!
76. “Mama, He Treats Your Daughter Mean” Ruth Brown
Mama, this is a cry for help before the song title turns into “Mama, Your Daughter’s Gonna Be On Maury.”
75. “It’s Raining Men” The Weather Girls
Who are these men that are just raining down from the sky? I mean, amazing if they’re hot, but what if it’s millions of this guy? Also this song is #1 on the list if you’re a huge homophobe.
74. “Cannibal” Ke$sha
The idea of Ke$ha feasting on human flesh is enough to keep me awake til 2012.
73. “Cupid’s Chokehold” Gym Class Heroes
Just picture cupid’s tiny little red chubby hand slowly wrapping itself around your neck.
72. “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car” Billy Ocean
The video linked to above explains everything creepy about this title.
71. “Break Your Back” Jay Sean
Dedicated to those assh*les out there who step on all those mothaf*ckin cracks.
70. “Die Die My Darling” The Misfits
Aww… it’s kind of romantic actually.
69. “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” Frank Sinatra
GET YOU OUT.
68. “I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me” Rockwell
Specifically my neighbor Hank. Also the theme song for the Geico Money, which needless to say…
67. “Killing Me Softly” Roberta Flack
Nothing screams — make that whispers — romance quite like a man murdering you with song.
66. “I Believe I Can Fly” R. Kelly
Let’s hope R. Kelly isn’t taking any cues from a young Helen Hunt:
65. “Hands Of Small Children” Marilyn Manson
Only thing creepier than the hands of little people are the hands of small children. Oh also this is secretly the least creepy song on Marilyn Manson’s whole album “Smells Like Children.”
64. “Everyone Nose (All the Girls Standing in the Line for the Bathroom)” N.E.R.D.
This might be a song about girls doing cocaine in the bathroom. Or, if you’re us, you realize it’s a song about a girl about to drop a diarrhea bomb in the toilet at the Cheesecake Factory.
63. “Birth, School, Work, Death” Godfathers
Four words describe an entire life. There isn’t anything more to it people. Stop trying so damn hard.
62. “Pieces of Me” Ashlee Simpson
OK guys, seriously: Who hacked up Ashlee Simpson? Camman, who did it?
61. “Wake Up Little Susie” The Everly Brothers
Susie is a 7 year old he met at the Discovery Zone. YOU BEEN CREEP’D.
60. “No Air” Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown
If Jordin Sparks were me (and she’s kind of a slightly more tan more annoying definitely more virgin version of myself), she would feel slightly terrified at singing a duet entitled “No Air” with noted lady slapper Chris Brown. He’s the Homer Simpson of Women Stranglers.
59. “At The Woodchopper’s Ball” Woody Herman
Fargo theme song.
58. “I Put A Spell On You” Nina Simone
Evil witches also need a man y’all.
57. “Beautiful Monster” Ne-Yo
What if there existed a monster who also was like really beautiful. I’m thinking Beast in Beauty and the Beast pre-hot-guy transformation. Ugh, that monster would be an N-MARE.
56. “Gypsies, Tramps, & Thieves” Cher
An accurate song title describing my trip to Eastern Europe a few years back. Remind me to tell you about the time I sat behind a dead man on the bus in Budapest. (Really.)
55. “Exquisite Dead Guy” They Might Be Giants
Similar to “Beautiful Monster,” only this dead guy is EXQUIZZIES. My favorite song from the band They Might Be Necrophiliacs.
54. “I’ve Been Loving You Too Long (To Stop Now)” Otis Redding
No means No! Unless you’re Otis Redding, where No means “Permanent Big Spoon Whether You Like It Or Not.”
53. “All Shook Up” Elvis Presley
Funny when it’s about Elvis. Less funny if it’s about a BABY.
52. “Jar of Hearts” Christina Perri
A serial killer’s science experiment if I’ve ever seen one.
51. “She Came In Through The Bathroom Window” The Beatles
“WHY IS THIS BITCH IN MY BATHROOM? CALL THE POLICE.” — Paul McCartney
50. “You’re Having My Baby” Paul Anka
One of the creepiest songs of all time. Custody battle waiting to happen.
49. “My Eyes Don’t Cry” Stevie Wonder
Jesus, first the guy goes blind, now you’re telling me he also can’t cry? Damn.
48. “The King Must Die” Elton John
Sassiest Assassination Plot Evvverrrrr!
47. “Dancing On the Ceiling” Lionel Richie
Favorite song of the Trainspotting baby!
46. “Live Like We’re Dying” Kris Allen
Living like you’re dying is a lot of work, what with all the wheeling around of the IVs and doctors appointments and funeral arrangements.
45. “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” The Beatles
This might be a personal problem, as I find crying guitars insanely depressing (and haunting).
44. “A Rush Of Blood To The Head” Coldplay
Wait it’s kind of funny if it involves a cartoon frying pan.
43. “Baby Let’s Play House” Elvis Presley
Less creepy than the follow-up song, “Now Let’s Play Doctor Where I’m The Patient And Your The Doctor Baby.”
42. “Bleeding Love” Leona Lewis
LADIES, we finally have a PERIOD ANTHEM!
41. “Nails For Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks” Panic At The Disco
The 3-year-old girl who eats lightbulbs finds nothing creepy about this.
40. “Odd Toddlers” Tyler, the Creator
See: The 3-year-old girl who eats lightbulbs, above.
39. “Ha Ha You’re Dead” Green Day
38. “Chopped N Skrewed” T-Pain
Having sex with some Chinese Take-Out is seriously sexy delicious I don’t even know what to call it.
37. “Evacuate the Dance Floor” Cascada
JERSEY SHORE BOMB THREAT YOU GUYS.
36. “Run For Your Life” The Beatles
What you do down the shore in Seaside Heights after the JERSEY SHORE BOMB THREAT.
35. “Knocking On Heaven’s Door” Bob Dylan
Thinking of a bunch of dead folks impatiently ringing a huge doorbell is perhaps the most frustrating idea imaginable.
34. “Rocking Pneumonia & the Boogie Woogie Flu” Huey “Piano” Smith & The Clowns
At first, I was like “You know, if Contagion was a musical, I’d bet it’d be killing in the box office right now.” Then I saw the name of the band singing it and slowly crawled into my coffee table coffin and closed it for good.
33. “Creep” Radiohead
Naturally.
32. “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” The Police
For any girl who has ever had a guy rub himself against her on the train, this one’s for you.
31. “One Less Lonely Girl” Justin Bieber
The one where Justin Bieber kills that lonely girl.
30. “Rhythm Is Gonna Get You” Gloria Estefan
It’s 3 AM. You park your car in the garage and slowly walk up to the front door, digging for your keys in your purse. Then you hear it. A drumbeat. Odd, maybe someone left their stereo on. Lip gloss, gum, where the hell are your keys? The drum beat gets louder as your frustration grows. Must be a car driving by. Your heart begins to race as the beat of this drum grows ever more present, even though there’s no car in sight. Where the F*CK are your keys??? Now you’re scrambling, fumbling through this giant tote as the vibrations of this beat make the hair on your arms stand-up. And suddenly, blackness. The rhythm. It got you.
29. “See You In My Nightmares” Kanye West
This one goes out to the “Rhythm.”
28. “Rather Die Young” Beyonce
Sids Caesar’s #1 hit!
27. “Little Lion Man” Mumford & Sons
26. “Another One Bites The Dust” Queen
This song might be about death, but I prefer to think of it as a tale of lonely fat people eating dust to shed pounds.
25. “”Tears of a Clown” Smokey Robinson
24. “Only the Good Die Young” Billy Joel
Alternate title: “All Old People Are Assh*les.”
23. “Behind The Mask” Michael Jackson
Holy sh*t, you’re telling me he also had masks.
22. “I Hate Myself And I Want To Die” Nirvana
21. “Freddie’s Dead” Curtis Mayfield
His family was gonna find out sooner or later.
20. “Sex On Fire” Kings of Leon
Let’s play a fun sex game!! It’s called “I’ve Got Chlamydia.”
19. “Never Gonna Leave This Bed” Maroon 5
This one goes out to my favorite fat man in the world, Manuel Uribe.
18. “I Wanna Find a Woman That’ll Hold My Big Toe Till I Have To Go” Captain Beefheart
This is kind of an easy one, because honestly, anything sung by Captain Beefheart is a nightmare.
17. “Walking After Midnight” Patsy Cline
Let’s hope “the Rhythm” isn’t nearby.
16. “Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon” Urge Overkill
And when you’re a woman, I’m deffffffffffffffinitely going to take your virginity. Don’t panic.
15. “Don’t Try Suicide” Queen
You know, I wasn’t going to until you said something.
14. “Video Killed the Radio Star” The Presidents of the USA
So that’s what happened to Reginald Fessenden!! R.I.P. REG.
13. “The Men In My Little Girl’s Life” Mike Douglas
Get out that #1 Dad Mug! #1 Dad for allowing his daughter to get molested.
12. “Johnny Are You Queer?” Josie Cotton
Actually the lyrics for this song are kinda super handy.
11. “Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin)” Sly & The Family Stone
What this title is really saying is “Thank You (For Helping Me During My Stroke).”
10. “Susannah’s Still Alive” The Kinks
We need to take care of that.
9. “Monkey Gone to Heaven” The Pixies
Happy to hear heaven accepts monkeys. Should teach those creationists a thing or two.
8. “You Shook Me All Night Long” AC/DC
Once again, either a sexual song, or a tale of the worst babysitter ever.
7. “I Will Posses Your Heart” Death Cab For Cutie
KANO WINS. KANO ALWAYS WINS.
6. “Run For Your Life” The Beatles
So creepy I listed it twice!! (See the update below.)
5. “Rape Me” Nirvana
Well is it really “rape” if you’re asking someone to do it to you? Wait I think so.
4. “(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight” Cutting Crew
I always imagined a World War II vet singing this to his captain up in heaven.
3. “Never Gonna Give You Up” Rick Astley
Take your typical creepy stalker song, throw in a ginger-headed singer, and make it an internet sensation. SILKWOOD SHOWER TIME.
2. “Der Fuehrer’s Face” Spike Jonze
This song is actually so insane I must bring you the video. IT’S ABOUT HITLER’S FACE.
1. “I Love You . . . I’ll Kill You” Enigma
The worst part about it? It’s sung by Enigma. Meaning they will actually kill you. Probably on a massage table.
UPDATE: Commenter Alma reminds me of probably the creepiest song title ever… “He Hit Me (And it Felt Like a Kiss)” by The Crystals. Consider this your honorary 88th song title, as I listed “Run For Your Life” by The Beatles twice… sincerely, Michelle “Not a Bot” Collins.
