Sad news in the world of triangular snack chips today, as news broke that the creator of Doritos, Arch West, headed on up to that Cool Ranch in the sky at the age of 97 years old. To honor him, and one of the best snack foods of all time, we present to you 50 Doritos Flavors Ranging From Disgusting To Delicious.
Those of you wondering how he was laid to rest, the answer Frito-Lays in this very list…
50. Crispy Salmon. The idea of eating a Crispy Salmon Dorito is akin to having to cook up a family member following a plane crash. Actually, if the only thing available to eat at the crash site was “Crispy Salmon Doritos” vs. “My Uncle’s Foot,” I think you know what I’d be snacking on that eve. (Feet.)
49. Scream Cheese. What does this mean? Does this chip call you on your portable phone from outside the house? Or is it that your ass will scream for mercy once it works its cheesy goodness through you? This chip is like the “Mystery Dum Dum” flavor… terrifying.
48. Human Ashes Flavor. Yup, the creator of Doritos, Arch West, passed away at 97. And his family is planning on sprinkling his ashes with Doritos. The most disturbing part of all this? They are probably still going to taste delicious THAT IS HOW GOOD DORITOS ARE.
47. Seaweed. This is like eating Lettuce Doritos. Unless there’s some ranch flavor sprinkled in, you and these Doritos are wasting my valuable time.
46. Plain Corn. Almost nothing is worse than PLAIN CORN DORITOS. Unless it’s Crispy Salmon, which trumps everything.
45. Winter Crab. I prefer my crabs in flip-flops and board shorts personally.
44. Sonic Sour Cream. Again, any chip that sounds like it might cause cancer is a no go.
43. Mr. Dragon’s Fire Chips. This is Japanese code for “Laces with LSD.”
42. “The Quest.” Another guess the Mystery flavor. The bag looks like it would drug your drink at a club, with the “Quest” being waiting for you to black out.
41. Corn Soup. Perfect solution for those lactose intolerant folks jealous that they can’t eat corn soup.
40. Chili Heatwave. You know what the last thing I want to put in my body is during a Heatwave? Other than Shaq? Chili.
39. Cooler Ranch. Nice try, Doritos. But nothing can be cooler than “Cool Ranch.” This is like an actor named Jamesier Dean. No one’s buyin’ it.
38. Tomato and Onion Salad. Let’s face it…. This is just a racist version of Salsa Flavored.
37. Coconut Curry. Cue Natalie Imbruglia’s “Torn” on this one. On the one powder-covered hand — MM, Indian Flavor! And on the other, a wad of balled up toilet paper begging for mercy.
36. Spice 2.0. The Facebook Revamp of Spiciness.
35. Doritos Late Night Tacos at Midnight. I’d probably f*ck these Doritos.
34. Steak. Does what it says.
33. Winter Cheese. What exactly does this mean? Minty cheese? Or like Pumpkin Spice Latte Cheese? I’d certainly be more inclined to eat these than “Spring Cheese,” which just sounds plain dirty.
32. Doritos X-13D. Robocop’s favorite!!
31. Doritos Unidentified. Back when Doritos were under a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Flavor Policy.
30. Queso Grande. Like regular cheese flavored, only HUMONGOUS.
29. Tuna Mayo. Look, I’m completely against fish flavored Doritos. Even typing those last three words just made me throw my laptop off my balcony. But if I HAD TO FORCE MYSELF to choose one, “Tuna Mayo” seems the most least disgusting.
28. Gourmet Sausage. LADIESSSS
27. Olive. The Gods have finally answered my prayer to allow me to make a dirty martini using only vodka and Doritos.
26. Cheese and Almond. The perfect chip to serve your WASPy In-Laws.
25. Fresh Basil And Smoked Fresh Italian Ham. Assuming your In-Laws are Italians.
24. Italian Seafood. Assuming your Italian In-Laws are blind and have no sense of smell.
23. Wasabi. Finally, as Asian flavor that makes sense.
22. Wasabi Mayo. But let’s face it… it would make a HELL of a lot more sense when drenched with mayo powdery goodness.
21. Garlic. BEST GAG GIFT FOR A TWILiGHT MOM!!1!
20. Chicken Sizzler/Zesty Salsa. From the famous Doritos “Collisions” line, where two different Doritos Flavors get into a head-on car accident somewhere on the Taco-nic Parkway. Once the tears dried, a new Doritos flavor was formed.
19. Pizza Supreme. A brainless entry into the Dorito Canon Flavor.
18. All-Nighter Cheeseburger. Once again, solving that age old question: “How do we add more fat to fat?”
17. Sausage and Beer. HOL’ UP. Why is this not a flavor that is currently on shelves?? This is like a MacArthur Genius Award Winning Dorito.
16. Roasted Turkey. Best way to spend a lonely Thanksgiving.
15. Texas Paprika Flavor. OK, the Hungarian in me is completely biased. But also Paprika = Delicious.
14. Savory Butter. I would get pregnant just so I’d have an excuse to eat these all day long without being judged.
13. Butter and Soy Sauce. Hmm two salty condiments on one portable chip? Sure.
12. Poppin’ Jalepeno. These Doritos could get in my pants.
11. Bacon. I like to put bacon Chapstick in between two Bacon Doritos in a sandwich I like to call “I’ll Be Alone Forever.”
10. Doritos Flavor Shots Atomic Chile Limon I actually read this title as Atomic “CHILEEE!” Limon, where Chile is not Chili but Monique calling you a child. It actually improved the flavor.
9. Fondue. The only thing better than cheese Doritos? MELTED CHEESE DORITOS. And what about Fondueing a Fondue Dorito? The Quaker Oats Box of Doritos Ideas.
8. Black Pepper Jack. It’s like Cool Ranch’s rebellious cousin who you’re almost sexually attracted to.
7. Hot Wings/Blue Cheese. I mean, a chip that tastes like a delicious chicken surprise? The only way to possibly improve this would be to encrust an actual buffalo wing in it and then dip the entire sh*t in real blue cheese. Long story short I’m already writing my application to The Biggest Loser.
6. Blazin’ Buffalo and Ranch. See #7.
5. Yogurt and Mint. Forgive me, this sounds effing DELICIOUS. Refreshing on a hot Mexican summer day.
4. Fried Chicken. Don’t lie. You’d eat these alone and in the dark.
3. Sesame Chicken. Somehow improves upon #4. I want these. Now.
2. Nacho Cheese. THE CLASSIC DORITO. It will never not be addictive or tattoo our fingers with its orangey angel dust.
1. Cool Ranch. Cool Ranch Doritos are not only the most delicious Dorito. It is technically the most delicious food on the planet. I want to be buried in a coffin made out of them.
