Did you hear the news? The world is ending at 6:00pm EST on Saturday!!! There have been some very levelheaded people trapzing around New York City warning us of the oncoming disaster. In fact, my friend, comedian Bex Schwartz reminded me (so I can set my alarm accordingly) that earthquakes will erupt in every time zone at the same time! She even pointed me to the really well-done, very trustworthy web site of the brilliant minds behind the fun stuff: Family Radio (just because the content hasn’t been updated since 1997, you can be sure they know that the end is nigh).
That gorgeous graphic above features a very timely countdown clock, as well as horns, flags, and a guarantee from the Bible that we are doomed! Doomed, you guys! Family Radio also warns us that the end is near because gay people would prefer not to be persecuted for dating and stuff. In fact, says Family Radio, thanks to the stupid “worldwide successes of the Gay Pride [and] same-sex marriage movement, God has given convincing evidence that the world is on the threshold of Judgment Day.” THANKS A LOT, THE GAYS! YOU’RE LITERALLY DESTROYING HUMANITY WITH YOUR FILTHY KISSES!
Anyway, I am gay, too, but I’m going to take a break from my constant, evil man-sex (and making sure my dog is taken care of when my homosexual Jew heart disintegrates into soot or whatever) to tap creaky prop comic Gallagher so that he can help you figure out what to do if you happen to be driving on an interstate on Saturday at 6:00 PM. RESERVE YOUR HELICOPTERS NOW!
Good luck getting your car giant rubber bands before Saturday. Otherwise, I’ll see you in Hell! Peace out!
