February
Friday

Steelers Vs. Packers: Whose Parody Songs Are Worse?

Sports Parody Songs: The Jason Statham Movies of songs. The type of songs where, in the name of vague fandom, we completely abandon logic, rhyming, proper lyrical scanning, and the basic “Emperor’s New Clothes” ability to say “Wait a minute, everything about this is f***ing terrible.” Which, of course, is what makes them great.

Sunday’s Packers/Steelers Super Bowl not only matches two excellent teams at “actual football,” but also two teams whose internet and local radio parody songs are absolutely, flat-out astounding (-ly terrible. But that’s the idea.) Let’s go through a series of exceptional Packer and Steeler parody songs genre by genre to determine whose (awful) songs truly reign supreme (-ly worse):

ROUND ONE: Lady Gaga Parodies

“Go Pack Go”

“Steel Defense”

Yikes – off to an excellent start of painfulness. It’s hard to call the Packers one way worse here, cause they’re kids and they’re adorable and they’re trying their best, plus they’ve got a little dance going on and the lyrics are super topical (includes the results of this year’s playoffs), but that being said, I am going to call the Packers one way worse here. Never forget – song parody kids are the song parody grownups of our future.

VERDICT: Packers.

ROUND TWO: R&B / Rap

“Sack You” (to the tune of “F*ck You”)

“Damn It Feels Good To Be A Packer”

Jesus Christ, we’re 4 videos in and this list is already insufferable. By which I mean AMAZING! Amazingly insufferable. What am I covering in this block of text again? Whatever, this “verdict” gimmick is already off the rails. That first note in “Sack You” is just not at all what any human ear expects to hear, even when preadjusted for sports song sh*ttiness; the Packers rap is pretty unbelievable too, but I think it’s performed with at least 3-4% self-awareness, so it’s off the hook.

VERDICT: Steelers.

ROUND THREE: Classic Rock

“Holy Driver!”

“Stairway to Seven”

Ronnie James Dio has almost certainly been rolling over in his grave since the second you clicked on that “Holy Driver” embed, but not because it’s bad, Dio was already rolling over in his grave because he’s just constantly doing that since he rocks so hard even in death. Led Zeppelin, similarly, are already constantly rolling over in their graves thanks to high school kids who’ve just purchased guitars, even though Robert Plant and Jimmy Page aren’t dead yet. Until you clicked on “Stairway to Seven,” now they both are. Nice work, you.

VERDICT: Steelers.

ROUND FOUR: Novelty Songs

“Packarena” (click pic below to play)

“Polamalu” (to the tune of “Mahna Mahna”)

Everyone loves the Muppets’ “Mahna Mahna,” and because there’s only one word, there’s very little here to butcher. The Macarena, on the other hand? Just, wow. I’ll never forget when I was visiting a prospective Catholic high school that I almost attended and the priest told a joke, “Did you hear McDonald’s just bought the rights to the Civic Arena [stadium in Pittsburgh]? They’re gonna rename it The MACARENA.” Whatever slim, lingering thread of caring about religion that I still had was severed at that very moment.

Verdict: Packers, in a landslide.

ROUND FIVE: Lovable Grandfatherly Characters

Johnny Dollar – “Seven – We’ll Be In Heaven”

“Mister Rodgers’ Neighbors”

I already mentioned yesterday that the Johnny Dollar video is my favorite thing possibly ever, and while I get the Aaron Rodgers rationale behind the second one, Mister Rogers himself is from Pittsburgh (I actually met him three times – NAAAME DROPPPP! I get into so many clubs this way). Green Bay can’t really claim this tune for Super Bowl usage – should’ve stuck with “Sack-same Street”.

Verdict: Packers.

FINAL ROUND: Miscellaneous