It’s not every day that I receive the following call: “Hey Michelle, want to go to Cancun on a party plane with the Goo Goo Dolls and VH1 Top 20?” After a couple of clicks on my trusty “Common Sense Abacus,” my calculations said “Duh.” Which is how I found myself at a very festive LAX terminal for Virgin America’s inaugural flight to Cancun, Mexico. Oh, look, a totally unposed photo!
Yes, I wore my finest Three’s Company kimono-sleeved top for the occasion. The terminal was bustling. VH1 Top 20 was in the midst of filming (the episode premieres this Saturday at 9 AM EST – watch it), and everyone was uh-super jazzed. Mainly because they were handing out free chorizo by the gate. But seeing as it was 9 am, I was in the mood for something less “sausage party-ish.” And I found my answer, in the form of the TERMINATOR 5 OF PANCAKE CONTRAPTIONS:
Self. Serve. Pancakes. Is this the Jetsons? How can we have a machine that makes you fresh pancakes at the touch of a button, but I still can’t stand on a conveyor belt to be showered and dressed by robotic arms every morning? These pancakes were fairly delicious. So good, in fact, that I have trouble believing the sign which states it has only 1/3 the calories of a scone. This sign has also proved to me that the only other person in the world to own this machine is Queen Elizabeth.
Ohhh, look, my pancake is ready:
I do not look forward to the day these pancake machines become self-aware and we live in a society where human beings are slaves to pancakes. Also, I lie, because I very much look forward to this day.
But there was barely any time to eat the 2,000 pancakes I planned on because the stars of the show had arrived:
The Goo Goo Dolls! Or, as some prefer to call them, “The Gooze.” (Say it out loud a few times, and you’ll find you can’t stop saying it.) If you would have told my 17 year old self that I would be workcationing in Mexico with lead singer Johnny Rzeznik, bass player Robby Takac, and drummer Mike Malinin, I would have spent the last 14 years starving myself in anticipation. Sadly for them, this wasn’t the case, which is why I sometimes wear shorts on the beach.
BOARDING TIME! Oh, sorry, hold on a second, my cellular VH1-branded travel pillow is ringing…
Oh, it’s VH1 Top 20 host Jim Shearer, calling me on his Virgin America armrest remote! Hey Jim, what’s up? What’s that? Turn my pillow off for take-off? The terrorists truly have won.
OK, can we talk about this flight for a second? If you’ve never flown Virgin America, allow me to paint the scene: Picture a nightclub with wings. That’s basically it. Virgin has long been one of my favorite airlines, mainly for the easy customer service and satellite television. But never have I known the luxury of an inaugural flight to Mexico.
This flight was INSAYAYAYANE. Within minutes after take-off, stewardesses were combing the aisles handing out free margaritas. Here I am in absolute bliss doing what I do best: Drinking and watching Judge Judy:
Let’s use our special Collins P.O.V. Camera to paint this scene in a photo I’ve entitled “Heaven”:
People were up and walking all over the plane, drink in hand, chatting, noshing, while the Goo Goo Dolls sang “Slide” over the plane intercom (for real, watch it tomorrow). In general, it was pretty swinging. I imagine this is how air travel used to be in the 1970s, where the bathrooms were used strictly for coitus and never for waste-making. I really, really wish I was alive in the 1970s.
Did I mention Virgin America was handing out unlimited margaritas?? Well they were. And things started getting out of control. Like that time I put the moves on an inflatable hot pepper:
Or that time that, mid-drink/Judge-Judying, an entire bag of Chex Mix spilled into my giant purse and laptop case:
And while this merriment was going down back in coach, VH1 Top 20 was filming their episode up in first class. Oh, and did I mention they interviewed me? After probably 3 drinks? That’s right, if you ever want to know what it’s like to hang out with me on a Friday night, make sure to watch VH1 Top 20 tomorrow at 9 AM, because I’m fairly certain I make an idiot of myself. It is the one segment on the show I hope to never see, i.e. you should probably see it.
But I had big plans for this Mexican vacation! I wanted to be so relaxed by the time I left that my VH1 coworkers had to wheel me around and use an elaborate system of cranks and pulleys to animate me, in a little movie I’m calling:
The VH1 Crew and the Goo Goo Dolls headed towards the Live Aqua Hotel and Resort right on the Cancunian beach. This hotel is genius, and not only because this is your view at all times:
But also because all food and drink is included. You want lobster? Why not 9 lobsters??? Go ahead, spoil yourself!! Allow the Diet Coke label in Mexico to tell you how many calories I consumed while in Cancun:
That’s right, Sin amount. And in between the doing nothing but tanning, eating, and drinking, I managed to squeeze in a visit to the spa. Have you ever wanted to be involved in a Mayan Rebirth ceremony? Well, as long as you’re into 9,000 degree temperatures and don’t mind enclosed spaces, get those birth announcements ready, because Live Aqua will make this happen for you. I, instead, opted for a typical massage in the hotel’s beautiful spa, because forcing anyone to rebirth my frame more than once would just be cruel.
And did we mention the nature?? Check out this bird we caught meandering by the pool:
Hmm… he seems to be missing something…
Our relaxing stay ended in true Mexican style — the Top 20 crew hired a local mariachi band to serenade the lot of us at around 1 AM the night before we left.
I began the evening suspicious of the lead singer and his tiny guitar:
But after their rousing rendition of “Bamboleo,” I began to consider this mariachi band more than just some local musicians. I began to think of them… as friends:
And thus, our Mexican jaunt was over!! And I didn’t flash a single person. But wait, we still had LAX customs to get through, where about 30 people in wheelchairs were lined up to get their passports stamped. Here is a sly photo I took of these poor souls:
Guess what? You could win yourself a free trip to Cancun, with airfare provided by Virgin America and lodging provided by the Live Aqua Resort!
And don’t forget to tune into VH1′s Top 20 Countdown tomorrow morning at 9 AM and again all weekend to catch video footage of our Mexican minibreak with The Goo Goo Dolls.
With thanks to all the people at Virgin America, the Live Aqua Resort, VH1′s Top 20 Crew and Tim Hammond for all their hard work and for just being great people!
