This week, millions of women all over the world put their loins in a girding machine, because it was that time of year when People Magazine announced their “Sexiest Man of The Year.” And this year, they’ve put someone we can mostly all agree on: Ryan Reynolds, he of the fantastic Bullock sexual chemistry, husband of Scarlett Johansson, former Van Wilder. Ryan is certainly adorable, and we’re grateful that we’re not being forced to look at George Clooney/Brad Pitt for the umpteenth time.
But we’re also getting a tad sick of all those abs being slapped on the cover. As a “thinking woman” with “thinking woman’s needs,” we feel that there are dozens of men, smart, sexy men, often overlooked by the bicep-thirsty People Magazine editors. And that ain’t gonna work.
So here is BestWeekEver.tv’s Smart Girl’s Guide to the Sexiest Men Alive.
If you really need a description for this one, just close out of this post. Seriously. Do it. Or don’t. If you know what we mean. Sterling > Draper 4 VR.
We spent 12 years riding around in New York City cabs, and not once did we ever have a driver half as hot as Cash Cab host Ben Bailey. The man can drive and ask complicated trivia questions at the same time. And that fake Russian accent he uses to throw people off? Adorable. I would definitely take him up on his video bonus question. (I love a good sex euphemism that makes no sense. In other news, do not ever agree to the video bonus question, unless you majored in “Losing All Your Money.”)
Sometimes called “Mike Chang,” othertimes referred to as “Other Asian,” Harry Shum, in my opinion, is the hottest man on Glee. Keep Your Pucks, Keep Your Finns, Keep Your John Stamos– wait, on second thought, don’t keep Stamos. We need him.
Jon Stewart is the “George Clooney” of Hot Sexy Nerd lists, so we thought we’d devote a special place to Stephen Colbert, who gets slightly less love but might actually have the better TV show. (JK Jon, we love you. Don’t be like that. Jon, wait!)
Can we agree that no explanatory paragraph is needed on this one? We couldn’t even blame Cher in Clueless for wanting to get with her step-brother.
Have you ever seen this man steam an artichoke? You will wish they were either one of your b’s. (Breasts)
Have you ever seen this man eat armadillo meat out of a rolled up animal shell? You will wish it was… no I can’t go there.
Sure, he’s handsome, but what really sells Brian Williams is his voice. That voice. Honestly, he can put a damn bag over his head as long as there’s a mouthhole cut out of it. Can’t get enough of his cameos.
You Americans may not know Richard Armitage now, but this British actor is quickly becoming THE IT ACTOR in England. And you’ll be seeing him soon in some very high profile films — playing a Nazi in Captain America, and then the leader of the dwarves in The Hobbit. A Nazi and a dwarf? Where do I sign? Also I’ve seen him in person and he is staggeringly handsome. Let’s all try to make him super famous.
We have trouble differentiating “Actor Jeff Goldblum” from “Jurassic Park Jeff Goldblum” or “Independence Day Jeff Goldblum.” It’s possible “Actor Jeff Goldblum” isn’t very good at math, or science, or figuring out a way to save the planet from killer aliens set on stealing the Earth’s natural resources. But still, fact or fiction, Goldblum definitely has down that neurotic Woody Allen thing, only with the addition of being hot. I meannn have you seen the guy naked? No? It’s worth the computer virus to find this.
Eisenberg is one of those guys that can go from mid-90s hackey sack player in a sweatshirt to hot as sh*t up and coming actor in a Prada suit. (To be fair, this happens to most guys.) Eisenberg stole this year’s slot from Jason Schwartzman, to whom we will be presenting a Lifetime Achievement Award for Smart Sexy Man sometime later this decade.
The top has dropped on whether or not JGL is hot: He is. Forget his 3rd Rock From The Sun bowl cut, and think of his vestiness in Inception. He’s hot indie boy Nirvana.
Remember those art boys in high school that you didn’t want to f**k until now? Meet MGMT. Also check out that nipple ladiessss.
Here is where I get serious. I make no secret about my love for Stanley Tucci. There is an elegance there that is lacking from basically every other actor in Hollywood. He’s strong. He’s powerful. He’s funny. And he’ll take good care of you, judging by the breadth of his forearms. STANLEYYYYYY.
Funniest British comedians are also not hard on the eyes. To be fair, every. single. British. comedian. would qualify to be on this list. Because the accent + a single joke = the opposite of vaginal kryptonite. But we chose The Mighty Boosh guys Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt because they really have something for everyone: Great hair, height, a mustache, long legs or short legs.
This Top Chef judge likes the same things we do! Telling people their food sucks while eating all of it. And those eyes!! Like two small pools of blueberry glace.
The sexiest rehab specialist on TV. And those forearms… does he shake weight? Def.
Seriously, we should just post every British man who has ever acted in any period piece on here.
Jay’s got that sort of nebbishy James Dean thing down pat. He also has a kind of long French looking face that many women including myself have been known to enjoy.
Who’d we miss? Comments section!
