It’s been a long, long time since we actively watched a new season of the Real World. In fact, looking back over a list of Real World seasons, the Real World: San Diego cast was the last one that we could name multiple cast members from without any sort of assistance. That said, our knowledge and love of the show’s first 14 or so seasons is beyond compare, which is why we were so delighted to learn that RW: Boston‘s Sean Duffy was elected to the House of Representatives on Tuesday.
Now, we’ll readily admit that we weren’t exactly Poli-Sci majors in undergrad or anything, but we’re pretty sure that this means Sean Duffy will be elected President of the United States some day (which, in an awesome twist, means that our First Lady will be a former fling of Puck’s). Once elected, one of his first jobs will be to put together a Cabinet of trusted associates. Knowing how busy the life of a President can be AND how thick the bond is between members of the Real World fraternity is, we thought we’d take some time to help him with some suggestions for who he can tap to serve faithfully alongside him.
ATTORNEY GENERAL: Mike “The Miz” Mizanin (Real World: Back To New York) — Who better to head up the Department of Justice than someone who’s used to doling some out in the squared circle? Jesse “The Body” Ventura proved that wrestlers have the showmanship and chutzpah to succeed in politics, so we see no reason why The Miz couldn’t piledrive his way through difficult legislative issues. Plus, as an Ohio native, The Miz could help to carry this battleground state!
VICE PRESIDENT: Dominic Griffin (Real World: Los Angeles) — So what if he wasn’t born in the United States? Neither was Obama! Dom’s ability to hold his booze may be questionable, but as an elder statesmen of pre-sellout Real World casts, his worldliness cannot be called into question.
SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE: Julie Stoffer (Real World: New Orleans) — We did the research*, Mormons represent the fastest growing segment of people in these here United States. Knowing that, the popular move might be to tap one of the Sister Wives for a position, but the smart choice would be to ensure that the Real World‘s first LDS member got her props. Plus, imagine the photo ops if she skateboarded through the National Mall and up to the Capital!
SPECIAL COUNCIL FOR GRINDING (AND/OR PHYSICAL FITNESS): Eric Nies (Real World: New York) — Forget health care, the housing mess and our growing deficit: What we, as a country, are really lacking is the ability to GET DOWN. And who is more suited to getting our country back up to par in terms of our ability to grind to the likes of C&C Music Factory and Black Box than one Eric Nies? As an added bonus, his washboard abs will likely inspire future fatties from overindulging on Snack Packs.
SECRETARY OF STATE: Coral Smith (Real World: Back To New York) — A veteran of six seasons on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, Coral has NEVER taken any sh*t from anyone. We can’t think of anyone more qualified to put the other leaders of the world in their place and ensure that no foreign countries start any new beefs with us. Plus, her and The Miz have always had a special bond, one that could be transformative for our nation as a whole.
Who else should President Duffy tap?
*We didn’t do the research, btw. We have no idea if this is accurate.
By the way, as long as you’re reading this footnote in tiny type, remember Matt from RW: New Orleans? You know, the spiky haired virgin dude? Well, apparently he has overcome his virginal ways and knocked up his wife. Good news! The bad news? She just had the baby. On the side of a freeway. We wish we were joking.
[All Photoshop props should be directed towards Lauren Deiman!]
