10. Sexy Candyland Board
I won’t lie, I’d totally do Queen Frostine or Princess Lolly — I’ve always had a serious ‘skipping way ahead’ fetish — but I don’t think I’d go for a talking, anthropromorphized Candyland board. The socks are a nice touch, but you just never know what kind of Gooey Gumdrops are floating around these days.
9. Sexy Panda Bear
First off, that’s not a sexy panda bear, it’s a sexy human wearing mutilated chunks of a rare animal. Second, panda bears are jerks — I only saw one once at the San Diego Zoo, and there was a giant line for the panda and no other exhibit, people were limited to one photo apiece, and the whole time, the A-hole was facing 180 degrees away from the crowd eating bamboo behind a rock, probably with his middle finger out. Pass.
8. Sexy Petting Zoo
Even in the event that I would be interested in petting this dude’s genitals, I wouldn’t want to do it while some toothless carny barks at me to move along so he can get back to secretly beating the animals when everyone leaves. Now, if the guy’s d*ck were in a “Play Tic Tac Toe Against A Chicken” machine, it’d be a different story.
7. Sexy Nemo
The costume technically isn’t “Nemo,” it’s “Sexy Clown Fish,” which is either a Disney rights issue or far more likely, there was huge demand from marine biologists for a Slutty Clownfish costume years before Finding Nemo ever came out. Sorry, Clownfish — you are sexy, but I don’t buy generic.
6. Sexy Chick-fil-A Worker
I used to work in front of a fryer one a summer in high school, and the smell of grease is still so memorably traumatic for me, no amount of cleavage and/or chicken-strangling is gonna ever turn that sh*t erotic.
5. Sexy Orange M&M
On the list of commercial spokesthings I want to sleep with, the Orange M&M is buried somewhere between the Geico Money With Eyes and Grimace from McDonald’s. Also, there’s already a “sexy” female Green M&M character – why’d they feel the need to re-gender and sex-up the orange one?
4. Sexy Pikachu
Pikachu always seemed like a decent enough dude, if annoying, but the sexy female version has “Cool Friend, Bad Girlfriend” written all over it. Definitely someone to catch a 6:50 showing of The Town with after work, but sex would just make things awkward the next time you’re around the rest of the Pokemon, both sexy and regular.
3. Sexy Mrs. Potato Head
She’s married, so that’s strike one right there, and on top of that, she’s SUPER fragile. Her body parts fall off when you’re just holding her, so I couldn’t imagine how she’d hold up during a steamy potato-roasting session. Though you would have your choice of hol–ending this paragraph here. Hi everyone!
2. Sexy Asylum Inmate
I get that some guys might be into the whole bondage / submission thing, but in this instance, it’s slightly overshadowed by the whole “You Are Banging A Mental Patient Who Cannot Legally Give Consent And Is Probably A Risk For Self-Mutilation, Hence The Straight Jacket” component. Actually, I’m sure that’s its own fetish — I definitely remember seeing that on Real Sex 30something.
1. Sexy Big Bird
There’s a few inappropriate Slutty Sesame Street Costumes out there, from Cookie Monster to Elmo, but to play devil’s advocate for a second, at least those are characters that we grew up loving, if not necessarily in a sexual way. Big Bird, on the other hand, is a total f***ing moron who needs everything explained to him constantly to the point of frustrating pre-literate three-year-olds. We’re really gonna take our chances in the bedroom with the dude who doesn’t totally grasp the difference between “hot” and “cold”? No thanks – I value my life.
