Finally, the end is nigh! On last night’s Jersey Shore, we learned that next week’s episode is going to be the last of the season. Frankly, we can’t wait until an elite team from the CDC storms down to the Metropole in full HAZMAT regalia and burns that “herpes nest” to the ground. This season has been a frustrating one for the Macaroni Rascals and us as viewers, and there’s nary a person alive who can’t wait for the gang to get back to their Sleazeside Heights love shack. That said, there were a handful of genuinely entertaining moments in last night’s penultimate episode of Jersey Shore 2, so let’s get on with counting them down, shall we?
10) “I’m exotic looking, right?”
You look Asian, I like it.” —Sammi Sweetheart and Ron Ron (38 mins)
Oh Captain Smush, you’re always saying “blue” to Sammi when you should be saying “green.” No, but really, has there ever been a more boring, more dysfunctional ongoing reality television relationship than Sammi and Ron Ron’s? We really hope that they break up next season, otherwise we might be forced to fast-forward through all of their scenes.
9) “Now you can lay back down, we’re about to do something … Don’t worry, we’ll get a workout in a second.” —The Situation
The Situation is so cheesy that he’s starting to curdle. What’s more problematic, though, is that he’s either: A) showing his true colors this season or B) transforming from a happy-go-lucky macaroni rascal into a roid raging cock blocker who can’t seal the deal before our very eyes. Between these episodes and his total lack of rhythm on DWTS, are the glory days of Mike Sorrentino in the rearview mirror?
8) “I’m thinkin’ that the alarm goes off, it turns off, everything’s fine. No. Four or five firemen come in, and I’m like, oh my god, like Prime-A meat of men.” —J-WOWW
She has a point. We were half-expecting these super-ripped firehunks to tear off their shirts and exclaim, “Hey J-Woww, now we need YOU to put out a fire … IN OUR PANTS.” Really, these guys looked more like strippers than the kinds of (brave and strong!) firefighters we have here in NYC.
7) Snooki and Ryder‘s Interlude
If you’re wondering why there wasn’t a recap last week, it’s because most of the episode consisted of the Princess of Poughkeepsie and her grenade of a friend grunting in a barely intelligible fashion. Now, let’s move on.
6) “You need pajamas? Can I be your pajamas? Wear me!” —Vinny
Good thing he’s got a schlong the size of a watermelon because Vinny is even cheesier than Sitch. That said, there was something sweetly endearing about him totally crushing on his beanpole babe.
5) “You get the girls in pajamas, they’re eventually gonna be comin’ off.” —The Situation
Sitch, my man, you’ve got a point. Sadly, you and Pauly D spent precious time spraying cologne on your balls that could’ve been used getting your ladies undressed, which resulted in another situation where a girl gave you the Heisman. Maybe next time you’ll use your time more wisely!
4) “Mike could not play wingman for me. I need somebody that knows how to take one for the team, or entertain a grenade, or even decipher the bomb if one comes, you know. It’s a war out there.” —Pauly D
Decipher, defuse, who freakin’ cares? Clearly, Pauly D doesn’t want to waste any of his time watching a downer of a movie like The Hurt Locker. Regardless, we remain impressed with Pauly’s ability to pull chicks, even though we feel sad every time he hops into bed with a girl that isn’t the cute, little Selena Gomez lookalike that he’s often seen with.
3) “He’s like my big brother, I love him. But you usually don’t have sex with your big brother.” —Snooki
Key word here being USUALLY. Still, this raises an interesting question: Did Schnickers and Vinny actually smush/smoosh/smash? Snooki herself seems to contradict herself in this regard from cut scene to cut scene, sometimes saying that they had sex, other times saying that his watermelon wouldn’t fit in her pin hole. Let’s get these two under oath.
2) “I never said anything about checkers, old man.” —Random Skank
BURRRRRRRN! The Random Skank — if she was given a name, I missed it — cut the Sitch (a natural butterface) to his core, resulting in the episode’s first of two ‘roid-induced moments of bedroom rage. Two snaps up!
1) “I got the beats in my head already.” —J-WOWW
One of the things that has been such a downer about the second season of Macaroni Rascals is that almost all of the joy of the first season has been sucked out of the Metropole. It’s clear that none of the castmembers feels comfortable in Miami, their job is bullshit, and that they’re all out of their element. However, for a few short minutes last night, when the gang was preparing to go to the massive club Space, it was like they were back in Sleazeside Heights and ready to beat up the beat all over again. J-WOWW, dressed like The Ultimate Stripper, best encapsulated the feeling of womblike security that house music provides to our fair guido/ettes with this quote above. It was a genuine moment, and there haven’t been many of those flying around this season.
Until next week,
—Juice Springsteen
