Welcome to a new feature here at BWE.tv called “What Are The Odds,” where we get out our invisi-culators and present you with various odds that you can easily take with you to Las Vegas, thereby earning you hundreds of thousands of wasted minutes of your time.
This week, we look at the brand new teams competing on The Amazing Race 17. Following the season premiere, we feel we have a better idea of just exactly how these teams will fare on our favorite reality show. So what are the odds that each team has of winning the coveted $1 million prize? Read and find out:
Andie and Jenna
BACKGROUND: Andie and Jenna are the tear-jerkers of the season. Andie gave Jenna up for adoption when she was 21 years old, and they are really only meeting for the first time on The Amazing Race. Now the potential for drama with this team is off the charts: They’ve never been stressed out together, much less even had so much as a meal together. But alas, this is not a Maury Povich reunion featuring two rabid animals. Andie and Jenna seem to be all too well adjusted. Sadly, we predict this to be their downfall: Because the communication lines are so weak, and because these ladies seem to be walking on egg shells with each other, they lack that fire, that energy, needed to take a team to the finish line.
ODDS OF WINNING: 250 to 1.
VERDICT: Too tame to win the game.
Brook and Claire
BACKGROUND: Brook and Claire have all the makings to be an annoying all-female team. By day, they are co-hosts on a home shopping television channel, although which one is never specified. If they’re selling knives on cable access at 3 AM, their chances of winning will have skyrocketed. On the downside, they love to scrapbook. Their perkiness initially seemed cloying (until we met Miss Kentucky, beauty pageant winner/possible meth addict, whom we’ll address later). Until the slingshot heard round the world happened, and Claire took a watermelon into the face. A GIF, to remind:
Not old-timey enough for you? Then please, enjoy this other GIF:
Now, while this scene did raise a few question — How did she not die? How did her face not shatter? How is she not the show’s first ghost-testant? — it did make me realize something: Claire is actually unbelievably awesome. She barely complained, didn’t cry, and finished the task minutes later. Sure, her face was numb, she was blind, and possibly brain-damaged, but she seriously did not complain nearly enough!! Claire’s only downfall might be her partner, who we’re still side-eyeing, but overall, the makings of a strong team.
ODDS OF WINNING: 5 to 1.
VERDICT: Might be tough competitors down the line; will have good charisma with locals round the globe. Bonus points for not dying after getting hit in the face with a watermelon.
Chad and Stephanie
BACKGROUND: He’s a football playing jock, she’s the blond hairstylist. He plans on asking her to marry him during the race, she just hopes he doesn’t raise a hand to her face. He has temper issues. Her roots will probably grow out. Together, they’re one of the few teams that have the volatility that make for great reality show fodder. But win the race? Unlikely.
ODDS OF WINNING: 40 to 1.
VERDICT: She seems nice. He’s a prick. And so, the show has begun.
Connor and Jonathan
BACKGROUND: Oh Jesus No. Just when I thought Will rapping on Glee was a new television low point, CBS goes and puts two Ivy League A Capella singers on the race. They… they sing… everything. They sing directions, they sing Phil’s name, they sing clues. They’re also very smart, meaning they could weasel their way into the Top 5 teams, assuming they manage to avoid being murdered by the locals.
ODDS OF WINNING: 12 to 1.
VERDICT: Small, stealthy and smart. If they’re brains don’t get in the way, they could have a shot.
Gary and Mallory
BACKGROUND: Mallory is a former Miss Kentucky who puts the word ‘gasm in enthusiasm. She is always screaming. Screaming and weeping like that fateful day she earned her most beloved crown. Her Dad Gary seems like a fantastic guy. Despite every ounce of my being telling me to hate on Mallory, I just can’t. She’s infectious and hilarious, and her down to Earth Dad puts them over the top. That being said, they will probably lose.
ODDS OF WINNING: 60 to 1.
VERDICT: Surprisingly likable, but Gary’s age and beer belly might literally get in the way of winning.
Jill and Thomas
BACKGROUND: Not sure why these two were cast, really, seeing as Jill’s bitchface is one of the most unlikable things I’ve ever laid eyes on. She is basically Parker Posey in the movie Waiting for Guffman: Gum-snappin, not smiling, confused much of the time, and a fantastic dancer (probably). Thomas seems nice enough and has never appeared in any Christopher Guest films.
ODDS OF WINNING: 200 to 1.
VERDICT: Dumb.
Nick and Vicki
BACKGROUND: I just can’t. I can’t.
ODDS OF WINNING: 1,000,000 to 1.
VERDICT: Really f*cking dumb.
Katie and Rachel
BACKGROUND: Hot blond volleyball players who can probably outrun most other teams and can’t definitely out-spike/beat the sh*t out of all of them. So far, they appear to be one of the strongest teams, physically and mentally. Is this the year a female team finally takes it??
ODDS OF WINNING: 4 to 1.
VERDICT: Our early pick for the winner.
Michael and Kevin
BACKGROUND: Kevin is absolutely adorable, a peach, who decided to make his father a viral video star. Why, you ask? Well, how do we put this… without sounding offensive… his father might be slightly mentally retarded. We’re really not saying this to shock — we seriously kind of think it. I mean, camman: Look at their photo. LOOK AT IT. We realllllly like these guys, but watching them sink in that boat last night told us what we already knew: They have no chance.
ODDS OF WINNING: 1000 to 1.
VERDICT: They’re to sweet to be mean about, but seriously, look at that picture.
Nat and Kat
BACKGROUND: These ladies are doctors — and possibly girlfriends? — who are taking their Grey’s Anatomy shtick to the reality TV world. They’re smart, they’re attractive, and they’ll likely go far. We are really hoping for a female team win this year — 16 seasons and not one yet!! — and hope that they don’t run head first into an Oprah marathon, thus putting them in last place.
ODDS OF WINNING: 8 to 1.
VERDICT: They will “accidentally” drown the a capella boys.
Ron and Tony
BACKGROUND: Poor Ron and Tony. POOR RON AND TONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I loooove Ron and Tony. This sweet, musical-theater loving duo arrived in London in first place, only to drive for hours in the wrong direction and end up in last place. LAST PLACE. They have now been eliminated from the race. Why didn’t they stop and ask for directions? Why? Who is going to choreograph an airplane dance routine now? The Princeton guys? Kill me.
ODDS OF WINNING: 1 to 1 (in the race to my heart).
VERDICT: They may have lost the race, but we will thankfully be able to see their gorgeous faces in the opening credits for the next two and a half months or so.
Who are you guys rooting for? Commentssssssssssssssssssss!
