Okay, legitimate Jersey Shore related question for you, the listening reading audience: What differences, if any, are there between the action verbs smush, smash and smoosh? We have watched — with intense focus and passion, mind you — every single episode of this wonderous gift from the reality television gods and we are still not entirely sure what context calls for the usage of “smash” versus one for “smoosh.” We are nothing if not cultural anthropologists, so if anyone is reading who hails from the Garden State can rectify, we would be most appreciative. Related: We are also curious as to why the phrase “pound out” — one of the staples of Season One — has been ditched from the guido lexicon, and also when the right situation is for saying “Getting it in” versus smush/smash/smoosh. If you can help, please do so in the comments.
Now, on with the show! The Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown, as always, lies below…
10) “I went to the ground like this. I was like, [grunts], with my turkey sandwich, like, ‘Holy sh*t, what just happened to me?”
“Is there any more turkey sangwidch?” —Sammi and DJ Pauly D
Now, this is no “I feel like eating ham and drinking water,” but then again, what is? But we can’t help but adore Sammi Sweetheart for taking The Beast (aka J-WOWW) on, (arguably) winning after a steady stream of right crosses and still keeping a steady grip on her turkey sammy. And bless you, Pauly D, for being this season’s comic relief.
9) “I never seen the kitchen this bad. There’s hair extensions, there’s fingernails, there’s like a tuna fish sangwidch on the ground.” —DJ Pauly D
Wait, we thought that was a turkey sandwich, not a tuna sandwich? We smell a conspiracy! Someone get Oliver Stone on the duck phone. Oh, and Pauly, you forgot to mention the assortment of cigarette butts littered all over the floor. And, if you looked very closely, you would’ve also noticed J-WOWW’s shattered pride sitting over in the corner of the kitchen.
(Ed. Note: Thanks to BWE commenter Like_Shootin_Fish, we amended this and the quote above to more accurately reflect Pauly D’s awesome pronunciation of the word “sandwich.” Good lookin’ out!)
8) “I don’t like him, either. Not even to mention that he’s not even good looking. So he needs to, like, jump off the ‘I’m Good Looking’ train. Because he’s ugly.” —Angelina
Classic elementary school tactics at play here. You know, call the person you want to bone — we were all boning in elementary school, right? — a name, pretend you hate them, then watch them come running into your spray-tanned arms. Total Playground 101 over here. And from what we saw, it sure looks as if the Vin Man put his watermelon all up in Angelina’s, um, Fossil watch!
7) “I don’t know how much it was. $39.99? $49.99? The man should be smashing.” —The Situation
How much DOES a good Fossil watch go for these days, anyway? It was like watching The Situation pressed by Bob Barker on The Price Is Right. For chrissakes, the man just bought at BENTLEY, how is he supposed to know how much a Fossil watch costs these days? And, in defense of Angelina’s gentleman caller (Note to self: Why are we defending him, exactly?), there’s a very good chance that the watch he bought the Staten Island Dump with the hopes of “hitting that” could have cost as much as $195!
6) “Shoulder up, my dude.” —Unknown
It’s still not entirely clear to us who said this, but our best guess is that it came from the mouth of Pauly D. Regardless of who said it, it’s immediately entering our personal lexicon ASAP. (Even if we literally have no idea what it means.)
5) “And then all of a sudden, it’s like nuttin’ like a nice herpe to ruin the party.” —DJ Pauly D
Nothing ruins a Sunday dinner consisting of communal vino and chicken parm like seeing the person next to you at the table rocking a giant cold sore. Amirite? We’re glad that Pauly D had the common sense to stay away from this dirty hosebeast, but we still think he ought to be taking daily doses of Valtrex just as a preventative measure.
4) “You’re asking me what I am? I’m tan, that’s what I am.” —Snooki
We’ve been on the Snooki For President In 2024 bandwagon for as long as said bandwagon has existed. In fact, if memory serves, we started it! Anyway, we have already seen Shnickers tackle controversial, politically charged subjects like Obama’s 10% tanning tax and the sharp increase in this country’s lesbian rate, but frankly, this statement of pride for her heritage as a Tan person could be spun into a cornerstone of her eventual campaign. Where’s James Carville when you need him? If he could get Bill Clinton elected on the backbone of a simple phrase like “It’s the economy, stupid,” there’s no telling what he could do when Nicole Polizzi starts Snookin For The Oval Office.
Also? We love that this turn came out of a (somewhat earnest) conversation about Snooki’s bucket list. A list, mind you, that is topped off by bungee jumping. Down with discrimination!
3) “Cabs are here! Cabs are here! Cabs are here, bro. Cabs are here.” —DJ Pauly D
Have you ever seen such an unadulterated expression of joy? We haven’t. CABS ARE HERE!
2) “I’m drinking my horny goat weed, I’m gonna go masturbate and go to bed.” —J-WOWW
Memo To J-WOWW: Listen, we don’t know what kind of crazy substances are currently in your blood stream, okay? We’re guessing there’s a pretty solid blend of creatine, Red Bull, Ron Ron Juice and human growth hormone in there, but who are we to say? All we know is that you probably shouldn’t also be pounding horny goat weed, too. You already suffer from clear bouts of roid rage, and anything else in your system could lead to you developing a Chyna-sized clit (link extremely NSFW). We’re just watching out for you, that’s all. Xoxo, BWE.
1) “The girl was pretty much, uh, peed on by Ronnie. He peed in many different ways. And, uh, ya know, she just took it and smiled. Just like when you’re little and you want to believe Santa Claus is alive. F*ckin’ Santa Claus is dead.” —The Situation
We can’t decide what we liked the best about this moment on the show:
1) The fact that The Situation thinks that Santa Claus is actually dead, instead of realizing he’s a fictional character that never really existed in the first place (or did he?).
2) That for the entirety of this quote, the behind-the-mirror-cam caught Captain Smush humping the back of his beloved Sammi Sweetheart’s neck.
Which ever you prefer, there’s no denying it was the quote of the week (a week which, we hope you agree, was far and away the best of this second season of Jersey Shore).
Honorable Mention(s): “It’s like, put firecrackers in a dumpster. One match and [poof]!” —Ron Ron; “Alright, Kim Kardashian. You’re more like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island, you ugly b*tch.” —Vinny; “The sounds were horrendous and I never want to hear them again. It would basically be like, moaning, ‘Oh, what’s your last name?’ Moaning, ‘Do you have any kids?’ It was the most f*cked up night I ever had.” —J-WOWW; “Marco is a grenade, grundle, chode.” —Snooki
Now, this is normally the time when I say “Until next week!” However, thanks to the benevolent programmers over at MTV, we only have to wait TWO MORE DAYS until the next episode of Jersey Shore. That’s right, a brand new ep airs on Sunday night, right before the VMAs. So…
Until Monday!
—Juice Springsteen
PS: One other thing we forgot to mention. Are you on the Facebooks? If so, be sure and check out the Jersey Shore app! Actually, it’s less of an app and more of a game, but either way, you’ll dig it!
