For those of you who found this season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey to be less than entertaining, good news: The Reunion Part 1 made up for weeks of zero plot. And not even the whole reunion! Hell, the first THREE MINUTES of the reunion were the best part of the whole show!
And all because of Teresa’s nephew whom she doesn’t acknowledge…
The ladies, if you can call them that, from New Jersey were in fine animal form last night, attacking Danielle from the moment her tan bony ass landed on the Borgata couch next to the President of Shit-Stirring Bravo Andy Cohen. After some pleasantries about Jersey Shore, Teresa immediately sank her fangs into Danielle, accusing her of sleeping with a man in front of her children. And then, this happened:
Danielle: Do you acknowledge your nephew?
Teresa: 
It was glorious.
So who, exactly, is Teresa’s unacknowledged nephew? Well, according to my go-to source for everything, Black Hair Media, her nephew is a child hubby Joe had with his mistress:
Joe Giudice has a girlfriend named Tara G. Danielle found her because she hired a private investigator and had the Manzo’s and the Giudices followed.
Tara G., by the way, is not exactly hiding out. She attends parties and actually displays pictures of her and Joe together. She also has pictures of a baby, whether or not this is Joe’s offspring is unknown. She is the person Ramona Singer, probably high on too many pinot grigios, was tweeting about when she wrote “Tamra” instead of Tara, the night of Joe’s DWI.
Joe had a son during his/theresa’s marriage and the son is referred to publicly as his nephew.
True? Maybe. Maybe it’s true like a home foreclosure. It would at once shock me and not surprise me.
In true BWE.tv fashion, I spoke with my dear Mother Judy Collins in between the commercial breaks, while diligently writing down her thoughts word for word. So here, we present, My Mother’s Recap of the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion, Part I…
Call 911: It’s a Jersey Reunion
I have to tell you, I’m on the verge of a heart attack. I’m very upset. I told Daddy after the first minute of the show, they ganged up on her. Now let’s say Danielle is garbage. But what are these women? Below garbage. STINKING GARBAGE. I wish them… I am in shock from what I’m watching. That f**king Teresa is a lowlife, worse than Danielle any day. Danielle is adopted, she doesn’t know who her mother is. She comes from an unfortunate background, where as Teresa comes from Italy. Some lowlife family, but it’s a family none the less.
But to go and attack somebody week after week and behave in this manner… a Mother of four?! I hope the authorities in New Jersey come and take those kids away from her on account that she’s a f*cked up mother. She can’t be normal! You can’t be normal one minute and act like this the next. Jacqueline is a piece of horsesh*t, and Caroline sits there like Queen Elizabeth! But she comes from the gutter herself, all of them, I’m telling you. Considering Danielle’s background, she is above them. I’m serious! Cause she’s not the one that churns the sh*t. And she’s right: If that bitch gets up again, I would call the police for harassment. And how she pushed Andy?! He’s the head of Bravo!! He’s some skinny Jewish guy!
We Hate Danielle, But We Must Side with Her
The minute that Danielle came back, and I really hate here to be the cheerleading section for her, but the minute she sat down, already it starts. THE MINUTE that she just sat down! And poof! Is this a reunion? Those other 3 women having nothing to say to each other? Is it just that? For an hour they’re gonna be bashing each other? Cause in every episode, that’s what they do.
These 3 monkeys have nothing to do with each other. There sits Caroline — “It’s enough! Next!” — She must be a movie director! She starts to look more and more like… what’s his name… Daddy, who is the guy who did Kill Bill? (pause, shuffling) Like Quentin Tarantino. Not good at all. She’s a dog ugly woman.
Jacqueline is starting with her every minute. Danielle is a good mother. What about the monkey that she raised? That big Ashley? And when Andy said that 70 percent of people want Caroline to be their mother? Really? You wannna be dumb like her children? One was thrown out from law school, one’s a failing make-up artist, and one sweeps the floors at the Brownstone. This is the mother you want?
“Caroline Right Now is on the Same Sh*t Level as Teresa.”
Caroline right now is on the same sh*t level as Teresa. To even say something negative about those two beautiful girls of Danielle… she knows the light in their eyes? What is she, some kind of Rasputin!? She can see that those kids have light in their eyes or not. That’s very great! Maybe she can tell me if the lotto ticket I just bought is a winning ticket or not. Where this bitch has the audacity to talk about Danielle’s drop dead gorgeous girls… Those sweet sweet girls.
Why do they cry in high school? Maybe because Jacqueline and those other bitches are maligning their mother. Despicable, I’m telling you.
Why Did Dina Leave?
Not Jill, nobody from any Housewives is lower than these 3. And that’s why Dina left. Cause Dina was not this kind of lowly. And I have a feeling that she didn’t leave because of Danielle, she left because of these three, she had to sink to their level and she said “It’s not for me.”
What is Danielle doing to these women? She did say when her girls were young, she put them in crinoline and the other ones are dressed in animal print. She shouldn’t hide behind it. “Yes, I meant your kids look like f*ckin’ monkeys.” Oh, Teresa would have ripped her hair out if she would have said it. There would not be one extension left on that woman’s head. She’s mental. “Yeah, I don’t think you have taste dressing your kids!” And excuse me, in Italy, the Italians were looking at them like gypsies. Not even real gypsies are dressed like Teresa’s children! Who the hell is designing them?!
You know, again they are roping her in. Danielle should have just stayed out of it when it came to Joe’s accident. “I wasn’t there, I don’t know.” Stay out, don’t give them any ammunition. She’s in the lion’s den. Why feed it?
Teresa on her Bankruptcy:
“All I want is for us to be happy.” Yeah, happy. Don’t worry, they’re gonna lose the house. She’s lying. I hope it’s first thing tomorrow morning. A monkey like this shouldn’t have such a pretty house. Oh, and she’s not watching negative stuff. Really? Well what was all this negativity that started from the beginning of the show? You’re not doing anything negative, then what the f*ck was that?
Spongebob Squaretits: The Movie
And again, they’re ganging up on her. That’s all they talk about. It’s sick. About the porno: Who gives a sh*t? You don’t like porno, don’t f*ckin’ watch it! So she has a tape? What is that to you? No, seriously.
Maybe Jacqueline can have a little column in the paper of what’s good and bad in porno. She seems to know good porn from bad porn.
Danielle Makes a Mistake…
She f*cked up a little by saying my kids don’t watch the show. That’s a faux pas. Because they obviously watch the show. And what can you do, that’s what it is. She’s still a very good mother to them. Look, I agree that it’s not good parenting, but she really loves those two girls. Look where she came from — never did I one time say she’s not a gutter girl — but the rest of them are the same.
On Caroline’s Die Hard 2 Moment:
“Yippe Kay Ay!” What is she, a chorus girl in Oklahoma? What is this, the OK Corrale? She’s a girl from Jersey.
Danielle Makes Another Mistake…
Another mistake Danielle makes, another faux pas – when Caroline asked her for an autograph, I would have looked at Andy, “Andy, can I have a piece of paper and a pen please?” and given it to her. You want my autograph? Oh, I’d be so happy to give it to you!
Caroline’s Grooming Habits, Sponsored By Gillette
What is this, with the shaving of the face? She’s shaving from there to her neck? When I tell you that these people are monkeys, you don’t wanna believe me. I want to know what she looks like after 3 days of not shaving. You know, do a separated at birth when you have the bearded guys at the carnival and her. (Ed. Note: I think I know what she means?)
**END** And there you have it. I know many of you were critical of my Mother’s siding with Danielle last week, but I dare any of you to defend how these other women were acting last night. It was reprehensible. Please do share your thoughts on Part 1 of the reunion while I get the smelling salts out for next week…
