In its ongoing effort to take the fun out of everything, Science has pompously proclaimed that the triceratops “may have never existed,” but was just a young version of some other [LAME - ed.] dinosaur. I’m sure you’ve got a bunch of “facts” and “logic” and “test tubes,” Science, but unfortunately, the triceratops is every child’s second-favorite dinosaur, and I’m not gonna sit idly by and watch you rip it from our warm nostalgic embrace with your loveless adamantium science-tentacles.
Here are five concrete pieces of evidence of why the Triceratops definitely existed:
1. The Jurassic Park Sick Triceratops Scene
In Jurassic Park, the highest-grossing movie of 1993, Sattler and Grant courteously nurse a sick triceratops back to health. If the triceratops didn’t really exist, then WHAT THE F**K ARE THEY NURSING BACK TO HEALTH IN THAT SCENE?? Nothing? Why would they nurse nothing back to health? Do you know how many people saw that movie??
Triceratops 1, Stupidscience 0.
2. There are 13 Land Before Time Movies
That’s THIRTEEN, as in, “I am Cera the adorable triceratops who exists and I am telling you there are thirteen of these films.” Are you telling me that Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration wasn’t actually great? Because I think that’s exactly what you are telling me.
There’s only ONE study saying that the triceratops didn’t exist. That’s 13 to 1. Do the math. Triceratopses exist by 12.
3. Slag from Transformers
If the triceratops didn’t exist, then what is Slag the Dino-Bot’s transformed state based on? Some totally fake, made-up monster? Yeah, that makes sense. Optimus Prime is a truck, and trucks are real. Starscream is a jet, and those are real too. So why would this one Transformer just OUT OF NOWHERE be based on something that didn’t exist?
I know the Dino-Bots are dumb, but they’re not EFFING STOOOPID.
4. The Triceratops from Dino-Riders
I can excuse science for not remembering the Dino-Riders cartoon and action figure series, but now that I am reminding science that this show existed and featured characters who rode triceratopses into battle, the ball is in science’s court to be like “Oh man I just Googled that show and it turns out Dan’s right – call off the science report!”
The show’s called “Dino-Riders,” f*ckos, the dudes aren’t just FLOATING there.
5. WHY DO YOU HATE THESE CHILDREN???
