Throughout the 2010 World Cup, there was one aspect of watching the games that even my most pointlessly-ardent anti-soccer friends and my suddenly-fakely-pro-soccer friends could easily agree upon: The British announcers make EVERYTHING BETTER.
The ESPN and ABC broadcasts were divvied up between a contingent of veteran British soccer commentators, most prominently Martin Tyler and Ian Darke (and a handful of others), whose whimsical, super-British phrasings of play-by-play calls and complete unselfconsciousness about blasting players and officials for screwing up just never stopped being extra-entertaining to those of us conditioned by overly-diplomatic, cliché-ridden North American play-by-play commentators.
Below is a highly informal list of my 10 Favorite Super-British Calls during the World Cup — I watched most of the games while working, so the list is hardly complete, and I don’t recall exactly which announcer made which call, but my only reason for doing this list is to convey a general sense of how awesome the broadcasts were, not to get bogged down in details. Onto the calls, ranked from 10 to 1 in order of increasing Awesomeness/Britishness:
10. “Here’s Forlan, whose control is velvet and instant.” (Uruguay / Netherlands)
The announcer’s description of Uruguayan striker Diego Forlan, whose control is both velvet and instant.
9. “Terrible corner. Just terrible.” (France / Uruguay)
Nothing sugar-coated about the British announcers’ play-by-play; when a French player totally missed a corner, he didn’t react with a diplomatic “Probably wants that one back” or “Notttt really what he was looking for there…”, he just straight out called it “terrible,” twice. Advantage: British announcers.
8. “This is Brazil, their bounceback ability in abundance.” (Brazil / Netherlands)
Not often enough in U.S. sports do we get to hear calls phrased like tombstone epitaphs. Really added a nice ‘Edward Gorey’ feel to the games.
7. “A comedy of errors for Slovakia at the back!” (Slovakia / Netherlands)
Oh snap! You just got Ultra-British’d, Slovakia!
6. “That is one of the stupidest decisions I’ve ever seen.” (USA / Slovenia)
Ian Darke sounded personally, deeply offended by the botched handball call against the United States in their game against Slovenia; no fake “Probably a questionable call there, we’ll see how the U.S. responds…” diplomacy, just refreshingly honest anger. Elegant-sounding anger.
5. “It’s a funny old game this, swinging this way and that.” (Uruguay / Ghana)
Adorable! Just wanted to dress this expression up in little puppy clothes and snuggle with it. But if Tim McCarver said this exact expression, of course, I’d have a remote-sized hole in my home tv.
4. “He is serving his country with this fine piece of goalkeeping.” (Spain / Netherlands)
My Brain: “That Iker Casillas is one fine piece of GOALKEEPING,” (in Chris Farley’s Billy Madison voice.)
3. “There was a Rolling Stones record called ’19th Nervous Breakdown’ — you get the impression the U.S. may be on the verge of one of those.”
American Announcer: “There’s also a song called ‘Shattered’ and these fans are going to be if they can’t score!” (USA / Algeria)
Nothing like really strained Rolling Stones references to reach across the pond. But can the U.S. START ME UP in time to GIMMIE SHELTER from their BEAST OF BURDEN? BITCH?
2. “You get the impression these Paraguay players wouldn’t give up a goal in a backyard kickabout with their sons!” (Paraguay / Japan)
Not even in a backyard kickabout? Those guys!
1. “WHAT PURITY OF HIT! But off the crossbar!” (Spain / Switzerland)
A Spanish player launched a really long shot that curved around the defenders but went off the crossbar and out of bounds, dashing the most enthusiastic announcer expression I have ever heard. Needless to say, I’ve been screaming “WHAT PURITY OF HIT!” non-stop for the past two weeks. Not just during World Cup games – just indiscriminately at all times in my life. I have a lot more friends now.
Your favourite British announcer calls during the 2010 World Cup? Leave ‘em in the comments!
