Another year, another season of Dancing with the Stars, everyone’s favorite reality dance competition featuring America’s most detested and sometimes beloved C-List celebrities, and hosted by our favorite AFV host of all time, Tom Bergeron. Below, we give you the list of those scheduled to appear on DWTS, as well as our handy and highly accurate odds of who is most likely to win. Place your bets foot forward…
Kate Gosselin, America’s Most Unwelcome Vagina House of Dramacakes: Another blond victim, albeit of a more sinister variety. Kate Gosselin has really hit the publicity jackpot with landing herself on the show, and we can already see her scripted romance with her dancing partner coming to life in the tabloid pages. Either that, or her and Niecy are gonna throw down (more likely. Also Niecy would kill her.) Odds of Winning: 25/1
Evan Lysacek, Gold Medalist, Figure Skater: Well that didn’t take long, did it? Evan just wrapped up the gold medal at the Vancouver Olympics and is not taking himself and his fabulous Vera Wang designed wardrobe all the way to his hometown of Los Angeles, where he will attempt triple toe loops galore sans the use of his trusty skates. We sincerely hope Plushenko has been cast on his home country’s hit show “Танцы со звездами,” And the fact that Johnny Weir was not cast alongside him should be filed under “national travesty.” Odds of Winning: 1/1
Aiden Turner, English Actor, All My Children: Aiden has plenty of things going for him. The good looks, the thick, shiny hair, the Daytime Emmy nomination and working relationship with former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell. He’s a soap actor, which means he’s got the stamina needed to last long hours on the dancing set. The only problem? Who the hell is Aiden Turner? Odds of Winning: 15/1
Buzz Aldrin, Astronaut: Buzz Aldrin is a name synonymous with AMERICAN HERO, as he was the second man on the moon (if you believe it). And the man is 80 years old! And he walked on the f**king moon. Odds of Winning: 100/80
Chad Ochocinco, Wide Receiver, Cincinatti Bengals: Wide receivers are typically fit flesh walls of a man, whose skin can barely contain their rippling muscle fibers. Chad Ochocinco is just such a man. Chances are he’ll be able to sustain the vigorous Dancing with the Stars work-out regimen given his athletic background, and will easily be able to catch his dancing partner when she’s shot out of a cannon for sweeps week. Odds of Winning: 8/5
Erin Andrews, ESPN Newscaster, Object of Peep Tommery: She’s blond and a victim, so she’ll probably get fairly far. Odds of Winning: 7/1
Niecy Nash, Actress, Host. It should be clear that we are rooting for Niecy all the way, as it is still our dream to time travel back to 4 years ago and have her help us out with a garage sale Clean House style. Odds of Winning: 8/1
Nicole Scherzinger, Pussycat Doll. Will probably f**k her way to 5th place. Odds of Winning: 5/1
Pamela Anderson, Oscar Winning Actress. Will f**k her way to 9th place. Odds of Winning: 36DD/22/34
Shannen Doherty, Actress. Watching the bitch fireworks between her and Kate Gosselin will be all I need to watch this entire season. Odds of Winning: 3/1
Jake Pavelka, Bachelor, Pilot. If he wins this thing, Tenley will 100 percent definitely commit suicide. Don’t do it for Tenley, Jake. Odds of Winning: 25/Sob
