American Idol would like you to believe they’ve found the best 12 undiscovered female singers in the country, and they had those 12 singers sing to you last night. What we soon discovered, however, is that these were not, in fact, some of the best female vocalists we’ve ever heard. In fact, most of them were pretty darn bad. Below, we’ve split up the group into our 6 favorite and our 6 least favorite… needless to say, some of our “favorites” were only picked because we needed to choose 6. So read this with care.
THE WORST:
Ashley Rodriguez “Happy”: When Ashley isn’t busy lining her drawers with used Crest Whitestrips, she’s standing in front of the mirror trying to look like the live child of Alicia Keys and Michelle Rodriguez (a future child not entirely out of the question.) Here, she tried to tackle Leona Lewis’ “Happy,” instead sounding like a karaoke waitress hoping to lure a local Japanese businessman in with her “talents.” On the bright side, her singing did cause Simon to make this unforgettable face during Kara’s assessment…
Moving on…
Janell Wheeler “What About Love”: One of the many contestants this season to look kinda sorta exactly like Brooke White, Janell really went out of her way to miss almost every single note. If this girl can make it to the Top 12 girls, I’m going to hot glue a blond wig over my ass crack next season and audition while doing a backwards handstand.
Lacey Brown “Landslide”: Words I actually said during Lacey Brown’s performance: “Ohh, Lacey Brown. No.” Not wearing Milla Jovovich’s outfit in The 5th Element might have been a fatal mistake tonight.
Michelle Delamor “Fallin”: Every time I am forced to listen to someone attempt to sing this song, I am tempted to clean my ears out with the barrel of a loaded gun. In other words, ENOUGH. Also Michelle’s resemblance to a ventriloquist’s dummy is off-putting. But, in the scheme of things — where “things” are actually “underwhelming performances” — it looks like Michelle will probably make this next cut.
Crystal Bowersox “One Hand in My Pocket”: Celebrity Pun Rename: Busker Keaton. She does bring something different to the Idol stage… a harmonica and lack of underarm deodes and a grande skim latte (barista joke!). Anyway, as Dwight on The Real Housewives of Atlanta would say…
Katie Stevens “Feeling Good”: By the end of her performance, it was more like “Feeling Trying To Hard.” Poor thing was pretty out of tune throughout. Also I’m basically sick of spiceless white people as a whole.
THE BEST:
Lilly Scott “Fixing a Hole”: While Lilly’s appearance has a certain Rob Zombie flair to it — orange cheeks, I’m sideglancing at you — she has a certain charm to her that’s hard to deny. We’d like to give her additional credit for singing an oft-forgotten Beatles tune with a guitar. But we’re going to agree with Simon on his assessment of lack of star power… she’s cute but I wouldn’t wake up early to download her single on Itunes.* (*Not that I’ve ever done this!**) (**JK)
Siobhan Magnus “Wicked Games”: One of the few girls I really and truly loved last night. Fair enough: When she started, it was borderline RuPaul’s Drag Racey, ie “In The Balls,” but as the song continued and her voice blossomed into the higher tones, it sounded crisp and sweet. She also was wearing Mary Jane flats on the Idol stage, meaning she’s not your typical Top 24 Whore. #Respect.
Katelyn Epperly “Oh Darling”: When Katelyn first appeared on stage, I thought for a second I had accidentally changed the channel to a TBS encore presentation of When Harry Met Sally, and truly, for a split second, was delighted. Alas, this was not Meg Ryan at a dress-up New Year’s Party, rather Quirk Cameron impersonator Katelyn Epperly. Celebrity Pun Impersonations aside, we quite liked Katelyn. A good, crisp voice, reminiscent of a young Kelly Clarkson, she hit all the right notes and didn’t completely annoy us. Technically, a smash success.
Haeley Vaughn “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”: Yet another Beatles song from Haeley, whose motherboard has been pre-programmed with only a single feeling: INFINITE BLISS. I like this girl’s voice, and think she’s cute, but it’s people with these sorts of smiles who will be grinning all the way through face stabbings. (Or so the horror movies will have you believe.) Anyway, despite the perma-smile from Dante‘s Infernies, we still found her performance slightly charming. Again, in the scheme of this night, a win.
Didi Benami “The Way I Am”: For real though, is Didi actually Brooke White trying to get back into the Top 12? They could be twinayzzz. This performance will actually be the opening act in the upcoming musical called “Forced Whimsy,” from the song, to her sly smiles, to the doily stolen from the back of a VW bus with arm holes cut through using rusty garden shears, by the end I wasn’t sure if I was watching American Idol or a live version of the Anthropologie Catalog.
Paige Miles “It’s All Right Now”: Paige Miles? More like “Meh-ryl Streep.” She’s got a good voice, but something about her look and sound fails to get us flailing. She missed quite a few notes, and throwing in a couple of out of tune Melisma-Joan-Hearts in the mix didn’t do anything to help her case. Considering all the girls ended up borderline sucking, she’ll hopefully make it through, but we reallllly beg of her to bust out the Dreamgirls guns in the coming weeks.
Speculation time!! What did you guys think of the Top 12 girls last night? Who did you vote for? Who can’t you stand? Was this post way harsh, Tai? Let me know xoxox4vr, Michelle.
