You know the saying “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger?” Well, if this saying is true, then guitarist John Mayer is either immortal or the strongest f**king man on Earth. While Mayer often insists by way of Twitter that he “just wants to be a blues guitar player,” he keeps muckin’ it up by opening his mouth, which is sadly attached to his brain, which is clearly very diseased.
Let’s first say this: I don’t hate John Mayer. As far as people go, he’s pretty harmless. I even met the guy aboard a cruise, no less, and even though my hair and outfit were what I would loosely classify as “abysmal” (the jacket has been burned, thanks), and even though I sounded like Bea Arthur‘s ghostballs, Mayer had it in his good graces to hug me. A real hug, too, which may or may not have done things for me personally. OK? Great.
Now, on to the controversy. Today, Mayer finds himself in his all too familiar habitat of a Looney-Tunes-style vat of boiling water, this time thanks to an interview given to Playboy Magazine. Besides revealing personal details about his relationships with Jennifer Aniston (“I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998“), and Jessica Simpson (“I want to quit my life and just f*ckin’ snort you?“), Mayer also did his part to delve into race relations. Specifically, with regard to his shvantz.
Let’s get specific. Mayer dropped the N bomb. Yes, the 9/11 of bad words. He said it. Then, Mayer — who no doubt has a fair share of black friends, including the Kanye West, also known as “The Black John Mayer” — begins discussing his penis’ aversion to black women. Blockquote Time!:
PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?
MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My d*ck is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f*ckin’ David Duke c*ck. I’m going to start dating separately from my d*ck.
PLAYBOY: Let’s put some names out there. Let’s get specific.
MAYER: I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl.
Hmm.
(deep nostril inhale.)
(breathing out slowly through the mouth.)
OK. Here’s the thing about John Mayer that people need to understand:
We’re pretty sure John Mayer thinks his calling in life is not playing the guitar. No. We think John Mayer actually wanted to be a stand-up comedian. No, really. The proof is in the Google pudding. Back when we filmed that cruise interview, Mayer kicked things off by performing about 20 minutes of stand-up for me and the crew, telling random, non-sensical jokes, which we then gladly laughed at because, hey, the John Mayer is performing for us!! (Ed. Note: I don’t remember too much about the stuff he was talking about, other than a bit regarding reading shampoo bottles on the toilet that I still think about when I’m… never mind.) (…reading shampoo bottles on the toilet.)
I fear, judging by this spectacle, and the fact that Mayer is often seen hopping up on comedy stages around New York unexpectedly and all the time, that Mayer has gotten it into his head that he is hilarious. Npw, the guy can be funny — take his reality show from 2004, “John Mayer Had a TV Show”, taped in his pre-tabloid-cover days, that actually had some hysterical moments (such as trying to make his fans cry). But we almost wonder if Mayer has forgotten that he is first and foremost a musician, not a comedian. And that he plays the guitar, and not, as we would hope, a giant tuba (officially the funniest musical instrument).
This isn’t the first time Mayer has come off as racist while trying to be “funny.” It was only a couple of months ago that he took to the stage at the downtown comedy show “Sweet,” grabbing the mic while comedian Kumail Nanjiani was on stage, calling him “Kabul,” and telling him he “he looked like a brown guy but sounded like a white guy.”
Seems his aims to be clever come back to haunt him even more in print… where it lasts… forever.
John Mayer is not an active racist. But here you have a guy — a wealthy, privileged, good looking musician — who can get anything or anyone he wants. But the ONLY thing this guy wants is for people to think he’s clever. And sadly, money can’t buy timing.
Seems like Mayer is finally catching on. His tweets today are the Jackie Joyner-Kersee of the backtrack. (See? We’re all capable of bad jokes.) A sampling:
Backtracking at its finest. All of a sudden, he’s just a guitarist — nothing more!! Mayer even issued a teary apology at one of his concerts last night:
You have to hand it to Mayer — while his music might not be everyone’s taste, his controversies are. And isn’t it… nice?… to have a celebrity be frank now and again? No? Well.
Listen, John Mayer, you’re cute, you write songs, you sing them, the masses swoon. But please, for everyone’s sake, stop trying to be funny. Maybe then, just maybe, you’ll also stop being an accidental racist.
Thank you for your time. (And John, if you’re reading this, click here, :49-:52)
Feel free to launch into an “Is John Mayer Funny?” debate in the comments.
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