Awwww yeahhhh, Rolling Stone knows what we all wanna hear about — John Mayer’s masturbation habits. And John Mayer’s goofy masturbation habit explanations designed to spark, I don’t know, controversy? Mild, passing interest?
Whatever, I’ll take the bait. We’ll acknowledge this quote long enough to take it in, process the attempted information, and agree to resume our lives as normal:
I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. First of all, I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It’s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself.”
Not much doubt anymore — John Mayer is well into Heidi/Spencer “what’s it gonna take to get noticed on the internet for three seconds today?” territory. 10 plastic surgeries can’t be far down the line.
Comedian Kumail Nanjiani was ahead of the curve on this one.
