I keep seeing ads for Microsoft’s new search engine, Bing.com (really gettin’ in on the ground floor on this brand-new search engine craze, huh?), and decided to put Bing to the only test I care about: What happens when I Bing “Dan Hopper”?
For the record, here are the top Google results for my own name:
1) Some website called Misspace dot com or something, that people used to use a couple years ago.
2) BestWeekEver.tv, my internet-related day job during which I post things to the internet for 8-10 hours a day with my name on them. Note the additional search result for my Simpsons Endings Post, one of my all-time most linked posts (thanks, Google!)
3) A real estate agent in Colorado named Dan Hopper (can’t win ‘em all)
4) My sketch group, A Week Of Kindness. All in all, Google is a fan of my work — there’s simply no other way to interpret these results.
Then, I tried typing “Dan Hopper” into Bing.com, and witnessed THIS monstrosity:
1) That A-Hole real estate agent in Denver. Probably sells people crooked houses that collapse all the time and crush their children and/or beloved pets.
2) The “Dan Hopper” page on a VH1 property called “FriendSpaceBook,” a now-defunct Myspace parody for which someone created a “Dan Hopper” page.
3) The IMDB page for “Dan Hopper” (?)
4) Finally, my BWE brilliance is recognized. Too little, too late, Bing.
But what about that IMDB page — did someone credit me for some weird talking-head VH1 thing that I contributed a joke to or something?
OH WAIT, it’s Dan Hopper the PORN STAR. Who’s only been in TWO MOVIES! They film an average of two porn movies a minute – appearing in only two is like entering the witness protection program in pornstar terms, and yet, he STILL gets higher Bing billing than the fifty GOLD-ENCRUSTED COMEDY GEMS I unleash upon the BWE.tv universe on a weekly basis???
I’m gonna start my own search engine and if you type in “Search Engines That Are Dead To Me” the first and only result is gonna be Bing.com!!!! Hahahahahaha that’ll show youuuuuu! You d*cks.
