Just when we thought it would be another slow news day, the following product came to our attention via the good people over at Pophangover. It’s called the “The Cuchini Pad”, and it bills itself as “a comfortable, light-weight material that smoothes the ridges of a woman’s mons pubis area, eliminating what is commonly known as Camel Toe.” And if you love seeing camels wearing makeup and bikinis, let us assure you The Cuchini website has a little something for everyone — even a celebrity cameltoe gallery (really Cuchini? That’s low, even for you, a cameltoe eraser). A camel even blows you a kiss!

Cuchini claims to do so many things:

1. Smoothes the ridges of a woman’s mons pubis area.
2. Keeps undergarments clean.
3. Can be used with or without underwear.

First of all, maybe Congress should start worrying less about swine flu and the economy and start focusing more on banning the term “mons pubis”, because seriously, even Latin sex ed teachers can’t spit that one out. But also, #3. #3…. WHY WOULD YOU WEAR SOMETHING LIKE THIS WITHOUT UNDERWEAR? Just pop it into a pair of jeans and hope it doesn’t slip down the leg during your average work day? And what if you’re out at a club, wearing your best polyester fringe pants with nary a camel’s toe in sight, and some gentleman caller comes back to your house with you to pay you for sex. What the AITCH is he going to think when the pants come off and he’s staring at some sort of castrated Ken crotch? WHAT THEN?

Even worse? It costs $15. $15! To erase a cameltoe, which some people would call priceless! Let’s be honest here: If you really wanted to get rid of a little harmless c-toe, you could put plenty of things in your underwear to block its appearance. Toss a Lands End catalog in your p’s; throw a couple of socks down there; use an old flip-flop or pair of Adidas shower shoes; even better? Drop an old cell phone in front of your beefseat for two. All of these common household items will easily blog c-toe, not to mention save you money better spent on hand-beaded thongs.

But you know, we don’t want to put an end to Cuchini’s soon-to-be-bustling business. We fully support the idea of all cameltoes being erased, especially if Cuchini would be willing to shell out some vagbucks and put out a late night infomercial to promote its product. Picture it: “Does this ever happen to you?” (Cut to a woman losing her keys inside of her cavernous cameltoe, and then blowing the bangs out of her eyes.) “Do you ever find yourself doing this?” (Woman tries to open can using cameltoe, but it barely works and she gets baked bean juice all over her pants. She then blows the bangs out of her eyes.) Well then you need “CUCHINI!” (Cut to woman finding her keys on her lap and opening the can of beans A-OK.)

I’d plunk down $15 if it meant I could open a can of beans with my chatch, I’m not gonna lie to ya. And be honest: How many of you are busy ordering this right now?