Some people argue that man and ape are distant cousins. The following photos of baby oragutans should prove otherwise. You know why?

CAUSE NO BABY IS THIS F*CKING CUTE. And also?

HUMAN BABIES CAN’T HOLD SH*T WITH THEIR FEET BECAUSE THEY ARE GODDAMNED USELESS.

Above, two baby orangutans jus chillin’ at the Infant Care Unit on Orangutan Island. The center houses 23 baby orangutans who have been abused or rejected by their mother. You know which mother would never reject these guys? This mother. Because if the following animal ever miraculously came outta me, I would swaddle it and coddle it and probably crush it on accident due to my overwhelming affection for it:

Though, to be fair, this lil’ guy kinda does look like everyone’s collective Uncle Morty.

Can we have a serious conversation? Why can’t people adopt these little guys? No kidding around — orangutans are like the easiest things to take care of. They get huge, they don’t need a mate, and they’re often happier alone or — one assumes — watching Celebrity Apprentice with me. Sure, they’ll likely outlive all of us after Earth explodes, but it seems unfair that common man is denied the pleasure of waking up to this:

For many more pictures, check out the source:

Move over, ER! Welcome to the world’s only orang-utan hospital @ The Daily Mail (i.e. Our source for all things pleasurable.)