11:54: Off to bed. Be sure to check out The Mike and Juliet Show on Fox tomorrow morning, where I’ll be on a panel lookin’ a hot mess and chattin’ about the show! Ggggg’night!
11:53: Well.. it’s… (pause) done. It’s… over. The entire show is over. (Looking at watch.) What in the hell should I do now?
11:51: And the Oscar goes to: SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. I know it was in the bag, but I still got chills! The kids! There are the kids! And the gameshow host! And the creepy brother! Us right now:
11:47: Stevie Spielbees! Here to intro Best Picture. Let’s face it… Slumdog has got this one. Because do you really want to see these children cry?
Many more photos of the winners over at Scandalist, be sure to check it out!
11:42: Sean Penn wins… “You commie, homo-loving sons uh guns!” He’s still got it! He’s also got a great zinger for those Prop 8 proponents… In other news, Little Loki is heartbroken:
11:39: Adrien Brody looks mmmdiizzzzgusting. He’s like a walking advert for industrial lubricant. Prell, my friend, prell.
11:38: DeNiro kills with the following line about Sean Penn: “How did he do it? How, for so many years, did Sean Penn get those jobs playing straight men?”
11:37: Best Actor Time!! And the quintet past of winners is MIGHTY impressive: Adrien Brody, Robert DeNiro, Michael Douglas, Anthony Hopkins, and Ben Kingsley. STILL NO JACK NICHOLSON THOUGH. There is no excuse. Jack makes the show.
11:33: This is why Kate Winslet is awesome:
11:32: As expected, Kate Winslet gets the award for Best Actress! She’s as breathless as can be expected. Oh and Sam Mendes!
11:31: Nicole Kidman, wearing a dress made out of invisible feathers, intros Angie Zholie. It’s emotionless.
11:29: Nobody can compete with this bitch:
11:29: Halle gets stuck with the Melissa Leo intro.
11:26: Wow… this is quite the cast. Sophia Loren, Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry, Marion Cotillard, and the AMAZING Shirley MacLaine, who introduces Anne Hathaway for Best Actress. Anne’s response is totally justified:
11:24: The ceremony is actually moving pretty quickly! We’re already at Best Actress… Prep for Kate’s tears.
11:21: Slumdog’s path to Best Picture is looking all the more real as the adorable Danny Boyle takes the Oscar for Best Director. His speech is basically adorable, because he is British and a genius. Where is Little Latika?
11:18: Love Reese. Hate that dress.
11:12: People I can’t believe are dead: Bernie Mac, Michael Crichton, Roy Scheider, Isaac Hayes, Ricardo Montalban, James Whitmore (Brooks!), Charlton Heston, Isaac Hayes, Anthony Minghella (my favorite director), Sydney Pollack, Paul Newman… So many deaths, and notice mostly men.
11:11: This is the happiest death reel in Oscar history. If they really wanted to hit a nerve, they should have run that Sarah McLaughlin ASPCA ad, and CGI’d the faces of the dead over the dogs… this segment is kind of focusing more of the attention on Queen La! This is an abomination. I want to focus in on those who perished in 2008… because lord knows, there were too, too many. This is literally the one time a year I actually sit back and reflect… and it’s being ROONED. Also, how long is she gonna be singing for? 11 minutes? Like 5,000 people died last year. And why is the camera swinging around so much? This is like the Bourne Ultimatum of Death Montages.
PEOPLE I AM HAVING A DEATH REEL MELTDOWN.
11:11: If they start showing the In Memorium montage while Queen Latifah is singing… oh my god.
THEY ARE
11:07: This Japanese Acceptance speech has now topped Sally Field’s as my favorite ever.
11:06: Embarassing admission: I haven’t seen a single nominee in this year’s Foreign Film category. Looks like Hollywood hates a good ol’ Jewish Conflict cartoon, as Japan takes the award. Wait a second, did Alicia Keys just win an Oscar?
11:01: From now on, whenever I see a slutty girl on the street, I’m gonna sing Jai-Ho as loud as I can. Let’s hope it’s not an Indian slut!
11:00: WHERE THE F**K WAS MIA?!?! WITH HER BABY??? Whatevs.biz. Pulling for Jai-Ho!
10:58: Drummers in the aisles!! What do you think Anthony Hopkins is thinking right now? Singalong!!!
10:56: A.R. Rahmann sings??? Who knew! This is pretty awesome. Very Beijing Opening Ceremonies. Wait, y’all… is A.R. Rahmann lip-synching? SCANDAL!
10:53: Dear China, Please throw-out your lawsuit against Miley Cyrus and instead direct your eye-re towards Alicia Keys.
10:52: Music time! We’re very excited for MIA to perform, though hope she wears a prosthetic belly. Note Defiance’s token Holocaust nomination… it’s pretty though. Kinda sounds like the score for a little movie that rhymes with Shmindler’s Shmlist.
10:46: Kudos to Jerr!! That speech was perfectly timed. In old people time, that’s like 4 seconds. We’ll forgive him for all that woman-hatey talk.
10:43: “Tina Fey shouldn’t even stand-up for this guy… considering he doesn’t think women are ever funny. ” — Bitter female comedienne.
10:41: Y’ALL I AM PSYCHIC. Eddie Murphy, looking extremely well-groomed, appears on stage to give a Humanitarian Award to Jerry Lewis… which gives us a HUHlarious crazy face montage. To wit:
10:35: More Slumdog love! Picks up an award for Best Editing.
10:35: A commenter asks if Will Smith is wearing a Scientology symbol on his jacket. Can anyone confirm this?
10:34: Ben Butt picks up another award for Visual Effects… mightily deserved. Good ol’ Rayzul picks up a golden man for Sound Mixing for Slumdog Millionaire. I’m in love with Rayzul. I’m pretty sure he just ran all the way to LA from India. Man his speech went on… the other guys are like “Rayzooollll shut uppp!!”
10:25: This is the first thought that came to my mind when Will Smith came on stage:
“Damn, boy, what kinda chemicals you put in here?”
“Oh, I do not use chemicals. I use natural berries and juices.”
“That ain’t nothin’ but ultra perm. How you want me to cut dis?”
10:25: That action montage… wait for it… male masturbayshies alert!
10:24: Scandalist has a Fashion Face-Off with the Ladies of Music. We’re sticking with Lady B on this one.
10:15: Man on Wire wins for Best Doc. Can we talk about the red-headed guy in the leather suit and scarf who road-runnered his way up to the stage? First, he stands all the way over, his name isn’t even listed, then, he opens his mouth to reveal the most hilarious French accent, then a coin disappears… oh my god, seriously…
WHO IS THIS MAGICAL TIGHT-ROPING MAN?
I’m in love.
10:14: Not even mentioning that guy’s teeth cause I’m a lady…
10:13: Bill Maher scores with an even more questionable Heath Ledger joke. Is Iraq around, cause this guy is bombing.
10:09: Questionable Taste Alert: They should hand out Oscars for Best Performance By An Actress Crying During Heath Ledger’s Acceptance Speech. Our winner? Anne Hathaway… all the way. Or Brad.
10:07: Aww. As expected, the late Heath Ledger takes the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. His family gets on-stage to accept the award. We wish they could have just shown his actual face, vs. The Joker Face staring down the Academy audience. His family gives moving speeches. Everyone cries. Show might as well be over.
10:06: Loving this split-screen:
10:04: My friend and I can’t really think of a good joke for this photo of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Something about Jimminy Glick? Chinny Chin Chin? I mean, we love the guy, so it’s hard.
9:55: This amazing performance just turned into a musical theater abortion with the presence of Zac Efron, V Hudge and the cast of Drumline.
9:53: OMG is Queen B lipsynching? The audio sounds crazy and digitized while Hugh’s sounds normal…. Hmm.
9:52: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMOG BEYONCEEEEE SINGING SHIRL-BASS!!!!! There was Superbowl-like screaming in my room when we heard her pipes. BRB crying and worshipping!!
9:52: Hugh is back and tip-tappin cross the stage while shouting out the names of — BRAD PITT — celebrities.
9:47: Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Halloween Inspiration… Jochen Alexander Freydank:
How exciting when you show up to your friends’ costume party, and they’re like “You guys, it’s Yokies!!”
9:46: OMG Please good lawd I hope Spielzeugland wins.
9:43: Behold, the Judd Apatow directed Comedy 2008 short, using Pineapple Express as a literal vehicle. Yay, Zohan was shown at the Oscars! You know what though? The Golden Girls Clueless sketch at the MTV Movie Awards is still funnier than any of this.
9:41: MUST READ MOM CONVO: “Let me tell why this thing with Ben Stiller was a little strange… a few days ago, Yakeen Rivers was on David Letterman. And he was being very strange, he was chewing gum… put it on the desk… Dave asked him ‘tell me something, what’s wrong with you?’ So he came out here impersonating what he was like on the show.”
(3 minutes pause)
Me: (seriously offended and a little disguested) “Mom, do you really think I didn’t understand the reference? I mean…”
Mother: “Oh, you knew about it?” CUE MANIACAL LAUGHING FOR 2 STRAIGHT MINUTES.
I have a witness to this conversation, people.
9:36: Slumdog takes Oscar #2 for Cinematography.
9:31: Ben Stiller debuts his killer Joaquin Phoenix impersonation. It’s pretty hilarious, kudos to him. Which reminds me: WHERE THE EFF IS JACK NICHOLSON? It isn’t an Academy Awards without Jack’s neck beard!
ps. Ron Howard is having the TOHL! (Time of his life.)
9:31: How much do you guys think Natalie Portman weighs? My guess? A fart.
9:28: This love movie montage is seriously female pornography. Masturbayshies Break!
9:25: Did you guys hear that? That faint noise of a million cannons going off in the distance? That’s the sound of a billion teenage ovaries exploding at once. Thanks, Robert Pattinson.
9:23: My mother is having a crises over who deserves the makeup award more: The Joker or Benjamin Button. She’s rooting for Button, literally, to screw Jennifer Aniston over. This is the family that raised me.
9:22: Does anyone know who designed SJPs dress? I’m feelin’ it right now.
9:20: E-mail from Dan Hopper. Subject: Oscars. “This is HORRRIBLLEEEEEEE. Enjoy!” Whoo chile don’t call up Mama Collins cause she is having the time o’ her life.
9:19: Can someone bring a hook out for the Art Direction guys please? I look like Benjamin Button as a boy right now.
9:16: Oh look!! It’s my favorite fake Jewish guy, Daniel Craig! Also, what’s with this background Jazz? It sounds like the soundtrack of Swing Kids, and is very distracting. Benny Butty wins for Art Direction.
9:06: Wall-E wins for Best Animated Movie, and right fully so.
9:03: Check in call with Mom:
First of all, it’s the best Oscars in years. I love the stage, Hugh Jackman is to die for, I love the actors. The most awkward moment was with Aniston phumphering, stuttering, she didn’t know whether to look left, right, or center. And they cut to Angelina laughing! I have it on tape!! And they constantly show Angelina! She looks like sh*t, I hate her hair, she looks like Angelina Jolie’s maid, I’m telling you right now. And they’re not showing any other couples, just Angelina laughing. ”
8:59: Onto adapted screenplay. The Frost/Nixon clip is LOLOL — “I used to love cheeseburgers.” Cut to Nixon in a hamburglar costume crying himself to sleep.. And it’s Slumdog Millionaire’s first Oscar of the night! Do you think they planned a Best Picture Bollywood celebration dance?
8:56: Milk takes the award for Best Original Screenplay. Speaking of Milk, if I have another Ginger Lemoncreme, there’s gonna be trouble. Stephen and I agree, this is the gayest speech evs!
8:55: Please, lawd, give us a glimpse of the 101st Hottest Silver Fox, Martin McDonaugh.
8:54: Errrrm what movie is Frozen River?
8:53: Tina Fey and Steve Martin: My OTP.
8:47: Not gonna lie: VERY EXCITED PENELOPE IS TAKING THE AWARD! She really deserves this one, she made the entire movie. Here is a transcript of her speech:
“WAAAOOOWW! Chaz anybody eber painted? Thank you so much. I bant to chair deez bith my pellow bominees… Tank joo hoody por trusting me weed deez. Tank you por chaving britten all deez jeers deez character por women. Thank you pedrooallmooodiiiibaaar por everything. And now, sometheen in Spanich.” (my head falls off.)
It goes on.
8:45: “There is a moment in Benjamin Button, where both of my aged sun-spotted breasts literally fell out of my dress and onto my knees.” — Goldie Hawn
8:45: Mark your calendars: First Sister Act reference at any Academy Awards, ever. Also, nice Maureen O’Sullivan homage, Whoop.
8:44: Angelica Houston looks great! Also, we’re going to be here until, minimum, 7 o’clock in the morning.
8:43: Oh sh*t… it’s a twist! 5 past winners announcing the new winner! The screen is just so busy… This is like the Academy’s version of the Fox News ticker.
8:42: Uch, are we going to sit through one of these montages before every single award is announced? Bring out the gay dancers please.
8:39: The Reader dance sequence… we’re speechless. It’s like Academy Goatse or something. Jackman is giving this everything. he. has. This will be him in 3 hours:
8:37: Anne Hathaway finds yet another opportunity to prove she has a fantastic singing voice! Also who knew Nixon could be so sexy heyyy.
8:35: There are no words:
8:34: How do you make Milk gayer? Add a little H. Jackman into this mix. This feels like the Cable Ace awards or something! Who made these sets?
8:34:8:33: I never thought I’d say this, but I think I miss Billy Crystal… what???
8:32: You know who is crying right now? Paul Hogan… “Whoooy Mee Gawwwwd.”
8:31: Jackman leads with an Australia joke… and nails it!
8:30: OMG THEY”RE STARTINGGNIGGGGNINIGG!!! The stage is soooo gay — I mean, nice!!!
8:28: Highbrow Snack Alert! Have any of you ever tred Carr’s Ginger Lemon Cremes? Sure, I’m gonna have a diabetic coma right around the time the In Memorium reel rolls around, but they taste so European…
8:25: Either Henry Winkler needs a haircut, or I need to take Lycheetini break. What the f**k am I watching? Busby Berkley? More like Buzzzzzzzzzzz(2 hours nap)by Berkley.
8:24: Seth Rogan is now the same dress size as Leslie Mann. Sleepover!!
8:20: Penelope Cruz still doesn’t speak English.
8:19: Anne Hathaway’s dress is truly stunning… Lawd knows if I sat down in that thing it would just be bugle beads all over the damn place. Cut to Judy Dench flailing her arms in huge circles after slipping on said bead pool a la Joe Pesci on some Home Alone micromachines.
8:18: So far, the fashions tonight have been pretty beautiful! Yes… even Miley (brb, grapefruit spooning my eye-balls out.) I luuuurrrrve Beyonce’s dress, even though her hair and my hair look the same, only I’m wearing pants made out of fleece and hummus.
8:18: Know what always picks up my mood? Antonio Banderas/Random Spanish Gent as a Nasonex Bee.
8:12: PLACE YOUR BETS: Odds Mickey Rourke dedicates his Oscar to dead dog Loki? Answer 1:1.
8:11: Everyone say hi to Courtney!! She’ll be moderatin’ the comments tonight.
8:09: OMG Valentino and Tim Gunn. My television just farted feathers.
8:07: Commershy break!! What are y’all snackin’ on? I’ve eaten so many rice crackies my pants are about to splode off my bod.
8:04: Nice jewel bib, Amy Adams!
8:03: Thoughts on Kate Winslet? We’ve deemed her hair very “Hil Clinty”.
7:58: OMG, Robert Downey Jr. looks 14. He’s an embryo. And Alicia Keyes clearly went through the latest Hollywood trend, eye-slantification. Move over, Miley Eyerus.
7:57: Call from Mom #1: Me: Hello? Mother: I have seen never anything in my life as gorgeous as Angelina Jolie!!! Me: G’bye. Mom 1, Michelle 0. She also liked Anne Hathaway’s look.
7:52: Heyyyyyyleeewwww and welcome to BestWeekEver.tv’s Third Annual Liveblogging of the Academy Awards!! I’ll be your liveblogger this evening, and have a ton of extremely high-tech surprises up my billowy, Tilda Swinton sleeves… namely, actual photographs from my television screen along with amazing captions. I’m joined tonight by my friend Stephen as well as phone calls from noneotherthan my mother, Judy Collins live from Miami. So keep refreshing this post for all our latest updates, and make sure to head over to Scandalist.com for yet more liveblogging goodness.
