Fear not — before getting into this week’s Dexter finale, I’d like to deliver a message:

To return the favor, I promise not to reveal any spoilers about the finale… until after the jump.

But let’s backtrack if but for a moment. I never watch Dexter. Even though Six Feet Under was my hour-long dramatic jam, and my love for Michael C. Hall never waivered, I had trouble getting into his serial killing Showtimey ways the first season. This laziness ended up spiraling into a years of, as the experts put it, “not giving a sh*t.”

Then, on Sunday, the season finale for the show’s 4th season aired. I wasn’t made aware of this fact until afterwards, when THE ENTIRE PLANET (yes, even you Nepal) seemed to be tittering and twittering about how amazing and shocking it was.

It was then I made a decision that would forever change the next 4 days of my life: I would watch the entire 4th season of Dexter, as fast as humanly possible, in a race to beat the internet at what it does best: RUINING EVERYTHING.

My life would surely never be the same. And today, 12 hours of the season behind me, I can honestly say…

(By clicking ahead, you are asking to be spoiled.)

HOLY. MOTHER. OF. SH*T.

(Above, a reimagining of The Death of Marat by Jacques-Louis David. Sincerely, My Wasted Art History Degree.)

Lots of things to discuss, so allow me to bullet point them:

• FIRST OF ALL. Let us talk about how good John Lithgow was as the doughy, gigantic, buck-toothed Trinity serial killer. He’s always been such a lovable dope — from back in his Terms of Endearment days, all the way up to HAIC (Head Alien in Charge) on 3rd Rock from the Sun. Sadly, if I ever get to meet him, I will certainly not shake his hand following the “High Fiving Jonah – Wait, JK – Your Fingers Are Broken” incident. Not to mention the confidence he had to have his long, pasty body wrapped up like leftover Thanksgiving turkey on Dexter’s chopping block… if that doesn’t nab someone a Golden Globe, what does?
• As far as my 3 day Dexter binge is concerned: Sitting through an entire season of a show in a short span is really asking a lot. It’s like watching a 12 hour movie as quickly as possible (that’s code for catheters, by the way). That being said, I was amazed at the lightning pacing of the season. Every episode seemed to have some heart-grasping moment that kept me on-demanding more. And despite the finale’s big shock, the Thanksgiving episode was the most tense for me personally.



• Speaking of Jonah, can we talk about how amazing this actor’s name is? Brando Eaton! Pretty sure that’s why Marlon Brando died actually. My favorite celebrity name after D’Niro Gnitting. Also, he is hot and probably underaged? We wish him the best.
• Jennifer Carpenter, i.e. Deb, Dexter’s sister, is probably the best actress working in television today. No hard feelings, Patricia Heaton. (No relation to Brando, above.)
• Relatedly, when are Quinn and Deb gonna do it already? She’s chasing elderly tail, while he’s getting played by a psychopath. When don’t they realize? They’re perrrrfect for each other… in that they’re so wrong for each other.
• Oh, when Trinity’s daughter blew her brains out, I was like ” ” breathing normally because I couldn’t really care less.
• There has been a lot of controversy surrounding the ending. Let’s have a mid-post reminder, because why shouldn’t you feel sad at work/after a long day of work:

  Ohhhh lawwwwwd whyyyyy? Don’t get me wrong, Rita was hyperactively annoying as a character (and from what I’ve been reading, she was worse in the last seasons). But killing her off? The Golden Globes should create a special awards for HUGEST BALLS and give it to the writers. His wife is dead, and not even by his own hands. I will say, because I knew there was a shock ending, I had a HORRIBLE feeling when Dexter walked into his house — his killing of Trinity was expected, so what lay ahead? A body in a bathtub, you guys. The real question is: This is a fictional TV show. So why are people taking this so personally? (Even my unfeeling self.)

• So many questions now loom for next season: His wife is dead and police are going to want to know why she was singled out. Dexter is now a single Dad, with a baby and two stepchildren. And he loves to murderrrrr! My instincts tell me that his sister is going to somehow discover his favorite past time.

What did you guys think of the season? The finale? The storylines? Is it worth me going back and watching earlier seasons? Any of you happy they actually killed the wife? What about that son of a bitch Lundy? (We kid.) Feel free to create a lively discussion in the comments so that I don’t feel as left out of Sunday’s post-finale web frenzy.