First of all, stare at this screencap for a good 4 minutes. And don’t be confused… it’s not a still of Clint Eastwood at the end of Gran Torino (took me a while too):

Well ladies, get your nursing bras on, because things are about to get a lot sadder. That’s because not only is this baby orangutan named Kiss Kiss so weak and child-like (he wakes up and wants to hug the doctor, seriously), but also his mother was shot and killed in what can only be described as the saddest gee-dee, em-effing tee (thing) we’ve ever heard in our lives. Also, all of their homes are burning down. If you EVER needed a reason to “Go Green,” this video will give you what Al Gore and the rest of his political cronies never could:

A heart.

Do not say we didn’t warn you. Also, does anyone want to give us a baby? Human or the monkey kind? Beep us ASAP. That includes you, Lester Holt, you fine piece of serious man.

I just said out loud to no one “I can’t take it! I love monkeys so much.”