Ballad. What is… a ballad, Mr. Schuester asks. Well, no need to wait for my arm to cannonball its way out of my shoulder joint, Mr. Schu. I do believe a ballad is best defined as the following:

Ballads are stories set to music, he explains, and our Glee-some group is going to have to team up to sing a ballad together at upcoming sectionals. But due to your classic spider-in-ear foul up, one of the unidentifiable Glee members is out, meaning Mr. Schue has to team up with someone. Here is how our teams pair up:

Puck + Mercedes = Fireworks.
Artie + Quinn = Adore.
Finn + Kurt = Worthy of a Showercam.
Rando Cheerleader 1 + Rando Cheerleader 2 = Too perfect.
And of course
Rachel + Mr. Schue = Bad news.

She forces her teacher to sing “Endless Love” with her, while she dons her Benny Hill hat and chases him around the piano. Rachel’s face turns into tractor beam of patheticness — the only way we can describe it is it’s never looked Rachelier — while Will does his killer Robert De Niro impression:

It’s also worth noting that the piano player simply steals the scene with the joy beam emanating from his heart. And while Rachel and Will do a fantastic job singing/lip-syncing the most romantic jam of all time, they could still learn a thing or two from this guy:

Quinn is being fitted for her “Chastity Ball” dress, by her mother who originated on the set of Designing Women, Episode 41 “The Incredibly Elite Bona Fide Blue-Blood Beaumont Driving Club.” But Quinn’s dress is a bit tight around the mid-section, where another tiny person happens to be growing inside of her. Quinn blames it on a burrito, and we gotta say we have definitely been there. I’ve eaten burritos so big I’m forced to wear a nursing bra to work the next day. The mother blames her lack of cheering and penchant for showtunes for the weight gain, saying you don’t burn that many calories singing. And dare I take a moment to disagree —

Quinn’s father likes Glenn Beck. As such, he is a d*ck-q-tip. The actor, played by John Heard’s more evil twin, asks about that boy she’s been dating. Which one, Pops? Your lil’ ladies been getting it from multiple sources. It goes without saying, Quinn is definitely f*cked, but not in the fun way.

Rachel gives Mr. Schue a tie with a treble clef and gold stars on it, from the Luther Vandross Gospel Collection. It’s smart looking, and a tasteful choice. This brings back a flood of memories for Will, who we learn has been the object of many a school girls’ attention before… but no one more terrifying than Susie Pepper. Susie, a plain looking girl with glasses and an outfit furnished by Chico’s David Koresh Collection, sprinkles Schue with love hints all the livelong day, even giving him a necktie covered in peppers… “so you can wear them and think of me… Susie Pepper.” She also calls him at home, and officially becomes the first Glee character more terrifying than Will’s own wife. Dare we say, she’s more terrifying than BRIAN PEPPERS (click at your own risk.)

Teach tells Suze it will never work out, and while we briefly sympathize with her choice of “More Than Words” as a comfort song, we lose all sympathy when she pulls the world’s hottest pepper out of a jar and eats it. Here is a dramatic reenactment of said events by Homer Simpson in some unidentifiable language:

Kurt is singing with love of his life Finn. Yet another Glee love triangle! This show will not be constrained by age or gender, America, so deal with it. After briefly trying to convince Finn that girls are the real enemy, he tells him to sing “I’ll Stand By You” to his little girl in the audience to let her know his true feelings. Kurt sits at the piano — “Thank God I never missed a piano lesson” acting as reason enough that he knows the chords — and so we begin this shows theme: Singing songs to get a real message across.

Oh Finn. Singing. Such a sweet, cute guy. Who should just not be forced to do this. The camera cuts between him pinching a loaf on stage to him, sweetly, singing to the sonogram on his fly Apple laptop. His Mom catches him, and it’s probably the only thing worse than his Mom walking in on him masturbating… singing to his unborn baby. Finn’s Mom is awesome, wears a denim patchwork vest, and cradles her hot jock son in her arms as they both weep. She’s probably on 8 years older than him in real life, but for this moment, we will let reality slide and get a little sad.

We’re treated to a sweet Kurt/Finn montage: Finn saving him by the lockers, then accepting some skin tips/moisturizer from Kurt, which is the gay equivalent of going steady. Kurt isn’t going to let some pesky heterosexuality get in the way of his goals.

Mr. Schue sings a mash-up of “Young Girl” and “Don’t Stand So Close To Me” to Rachel (as Emma also comes along for the ride.) The performance is actually one of the best Matthew Morrison has had all season, including some positively “Billy Elliot” inspired dance moves:

Of course, this performance has the opposite effect. Both girls are more in love with Will now than ever. Didn’t Rachel understand the message? “It means I’m very young and it’s hard for you to stand close to me.” Hilares Perhaps he should have tried rapping to them. Surely, they both would have fleed from his life for good.

And oh snap: Susie Pepper is back.

Kurt join Finn in going through old things in their attic. They bond over lost parents. Finn puts on his army father’s blazer and tie and looks like the cover of a J. Crew catalog. Finn calls himself out for being a coward, not being able to tell Quinn’s parents about the baby. Kurt assures him that even his father fought with a weapon, and Finn should go prepared. With a gun? No, a weapon better than that… Finn’s voice. It becomes clear at this moment that Finn is probably going to die.

Rachel stalks will to his house, where Mrs. Schuester is taking full advantage of her crush and making her clean the toilet. It’s the first time all season we’ve actually respected Will’s wife. Will takes Rachel home, where she sits in the backseat of his car and begins singing one of our fave jamz of all time, “Crush.” She’s is song-blocked 1 lyric in.

Peppers threatens Rachel. Why is Peppers allowed back in school? Ryan Murphy, enlighten me.

Mercedes heads over to rehearse with Puck, and she doesn’t even have the respect to hang up the phone in front of the hottest guy in school. She eventually tells him that the Glee Club is going to sing a song to Quinn and Finn to show their undying support for their love. Puck turns into a charity thermometer and explodes, revealing that it is he, in fact, who inseminated our fruitful cheerleader. And guess what? Mercedes tells him it doesn’t matter! And to back off! Plot tweeeuuuhst!

It’s dinner time in the Wasp Nest. The mean guy from Big is probably wasted. Finn goes to the b-room, but only briefly, lest they think he decided to sing another song in there and crap out a 3-foot-long poo rope. Song time!

Secret is out. Sh*t, meet fan. Commercial break, Luke Wilson for AT&T? Sure. Back to the show.

Here is where the show takes an emotional turn. Quinn’s parents, who are the McDowells to the McCains, perch themselves on their country floral sofa while her father tells a sweet story of Quinn as a little girl, sleeping in his arms at a football stadium. He then takes all those warm, fuzzy feelings, and throws them in a death camp wheelbarrow, throwing both Finn AND Quinn out of the house for good. On Intervention, this is what we refer to as “rock bottom.” She calls her Mom out for being weak and eternally WASPy. This line really got us, spoken by her father:

“Who are you? I don’t recognize you at all.”

Ya cut me deep, Mr. Fabray. Ya cut me real deep. She has 30 minutes to pack, and then she’s flying. Luckily, Mrs. Hudson, Finn’s mom, welcomes Quinn into the house with open arms. Thus ending after-school special moment #1 of 594 (or 2).

Susie Pepper tells Rachel to forget about Schue, because he is unattainable, and a nice patch for their self-esteem issues. It reads almost too real for me personally, so I’ll just glide over this moment by saying, good on you, Susie Pepper, for molding your insanity into something for good. They always say psychiatrists are the actual crazies themselves, and here we see why.

Rachel and Teach work their issues out. It’s a little cliche, so we’d rather speed ahead to our fave part of the show…

THE LEAN ON ME ENDINGGGG! Say what you will about the overuse of this song, we can’t even hear you, because we are crying and swaying and praising the Lord and clutching our chests and pointing at the sky and it’s hard to hear over all of that:

And because he was sorely missed in this episode, a Bonus Puck Screengrab, judging all of you:

Thoughts on the episode? We’ve pretty much loved every one since the hiatus. Let us know in the comments. You can watch the entire episode here.