So, Glee happened last night. The episode was called Mash-Up, a reference to last week’s mash-up challenge, only this week, it refers to all the ~relationships~ that get ~mashed-up~. When it comes to relationships, Glee is sort of like Friends on a meth binge. 8 episodes in, and it feels like the showmances have already gone to plaid:
The audience can barely invest in a single relationship because, before we know it, it’s finished. (We think specifically of doomed couple Mercedes and Kurt.)
Finn gets a slushee to the face. Then engaged couple Ken and Emma tell will they would like him to give them dance lessons, in addition to mashing up their two chosen wedding songs, “I Could Have Danced All Night” and “The Thong Song.” Well, at least now we have some idea has to how the eventual monstrosity that is Mr. Schue’s Sisqó cover yet to happen. Will agrees to do it for free, as a wedding gift. Might as well be this, amirite?
We cute to Will telling the Glee Club to find an appropriate mash-up pal to his favorite song… Oh No… it’s “Bust a Move.” None of the other guys want to sing it (good move), so Mr. Schue begins unbuttoning his shirt (oh God no) and tells the kids (gulp) “I guess I’m gonna have to show these guys how it’s done.” (Oh God NONONONONONO):
This is almost as bad if not worse than Dee Dee Ramone’s “Funky Man”, and if you don’t know what that is, watch it to prove me right. Schue’s a pretty good dancer, though some of his moves with his own students bordered on Never-Been-Kissed-style pedophilia (the only time it’s allowed). Kurt is entirely over the whole thing. (Side Note: Thank you to all who have signed my Glee Petition re: Mr. Schuester’s Rapping. 360 Signatures and Counting!!)
Finn and Quinn head to Emma the Guidance Counselor to ask how they can be “cool.” If I were Emma, I would have immediately assumed these two had lunchtime mini-strokes. WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS? Even as a winky-wink “joke” on the show writer’s part, there is literally no explanation for this act. She tells them to wear sunglasses.
Oh, and would you look at this? It’s not even 10 minutes into the show, and its Mr. Schue’s SECOND RAP NUMBER. “The Thong Song”. And if you thought the rap itself was embarrassing, then you clearly are blind and DID NOT SEE THE DANCE ITSELF:
Then Emma falls on Will like Jack laying on Annie in the movie Speed, while Ken looks on, starring in his own movie, The Fat and the Furious.
Ken, now angry, tells his football players that they’ll have to show at practice Thursdays after school, the very same time Glee rehearses. Meaning the double-dippers amongst them (Finn, Puck, Hot Asian Guy and Random Spanish Dude) are going to have to make a difficult choice: Man up for the team and quit Glee, or face the rest of the year as an ex-jock with purple slushee running down their face.
OMG PUCK AND RACHEL. She is singing into a hairbrush in front of a mirror and I want to peel the skin off my face like a human flesh banana. It is sooooer embarrassing. She thankfully stops, giving Puck the chance to find out is she would like to make out. Her not being a complete re-re from space, she says “Sure”.
And we’re treated to a Puck flashback, explaining his actions: Mainly, they’re a couple of good looking Jews, and he wants to make his mother happy. Speaking of which, it was good to see Octomom Nadya Suleman make an appearance:
And, for no particular reason:
So all of a sudden, Puck is being nice to Rachel. And they’re making out. But she still wants Finn. And tells Puck if he’s not man enough to sing a solo, she’s not man enough for her. (Ed. Note: Blugghhhhhhhhh *eye roll*) It is this little scenario that gives us one of my favorite solo moments of the season yet, Puck singing “Sweet Caroline”:
Watching Puck sing this made me super, middle school crushy. Like tight smile, hot cheeks, oer-em-gee style crushy. Less Rap, More Puck.
The entire football team throw slushees Finn and Quinn (who is pregnant – How Rude). It’s a threat: Quit Glee or else.
Oh, it’s a new “Sue’s Corner”! And what’s this… local celebrity news anchor Rod hits on our gal. He needs a gal with “backbone”, and in other news, he probably drowned his wife. But these are small details: He schedules a fondue date with Ms. Sylvester… and before we know it… we have BWE.TV’S OFFICIAL GLEE HIGHLIGHT: Will and Sue Swing Dancing. When she drags him? LOLOL
She’s practicing for her second date with Rod… BECAUSE SHE IN LOVE. Who can blame her? The man sunk her battleship, for crying out loud. Sue is a changed woman… a nice one! Who gets along with Will. (Though bless her for wearing her track suit on the date.) Sue gives Will a heads up about Ken’s plan to remove his football team from the claws of the Hot Rappin’ Teach. Ken calls Will a regular “Gene Kelly” and says he feels like a consolation prize. He’s not considering negotiating on this one. The guys balls are probably 9,000o in those shorts, of course he’s pissed.
So Puck and Rachel walk arm in arm together in the halls… and Puck gets “slushed.” As she gently cleans him off in what appears to be a men’s room made entirely out of cardboard, he tells her — albeit sweetly — that their relationship will be over at 3:30 PM.
Will does something completely appropriate, and goes wedding gown shopping with Emma. She, admittedly, looks beautiful. Like, seriously, if I had no breasts and small shoulder and was engaged, it would be my ~dream dress~… Excuse me for a minute.
Luckily, my sobs are interrupted by a steaming hot plate of fresh American cheese. Will and Emma have a dance sequence in the store to the tune of “I Could Have Danced All Night.” It’s a moment that had cuteness potential to tha max, but because of the lip-syncing and weird camera angles –
– was sort of only OK. And because it’s hard for me to post any My Fair Lady performance I don’t completely stand behind, I bring you instead “I Could Have Danced All Night” sung by Dame Shirley Bassey — no need to thank me, unless you insist:
The Ladies of Glee wait around nervously at 3:30 PM like the wives in Cold Mountain hoping to see their Inman’s return. Phew! Hot Asian and Random Non-Speaking Dude are back. They may as well have ended the show here, who else could we possibly care ab– oh, Puck yes. Rachel runs into his arms. It’s a little forced.
Finn picks football over Glee. And must throw a slushee on Kurt to prove his allegiance. And can we talk about this coat?
Sue finds Newsman Rod making out with co-anchor Andrea in the studio. She doesn’t play those games. the scene is altogether forgettable… SAVE FOR SUE’S AMAZING ZOOT SUIT:
Puck watches the football game with a longing in his eyes. Rachel visits him in her musical theatery way, and the two agree they’re not meant for each other. She loves Finn, and he loves ass-grabbing. It wouldn’t work. “I just hope we can still be friends” Rachel states. “We weren’t friends before” Puck responds and walks away. Best answer to that line ever.
Mr. Schue, sporting the same jacket worn by Bill Pullman in Spaceballs (second reference? check) visits Finn on the field, and delivers an important message. We think (we left to pee.) Finn then has a heart to heart with Coach Tenox, saying he doesn’t want to have to choose. Coach agrees and we’re back to square one fun.
Quote of the Show, courtesy of Sue Sylvester:
Schuester! I’ll need to see that set list for sectionals after all, and I want it on my desk, warm from the laminator, at 5 PM. And if it is one minute late? I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I’ll steal away into your home. And punch you in the face.
And that is why we love Glee. White rapping, movie nacho cheese and all. Sue also tosses Quinn off the Cheerios. And, will you look at that, she shows up to rehearsal in something other than her uniform. She can finally have it dry-cleaned now.
Finn comes back to rehearsal, and brings all the kids slushies. Which they then throw on Mr. Schuester.
THE END.
I won’t touch on the constant rehashing of the same plots (World vs. Glee Club), because it’s too obvious. I just sincerely hope that in the very near future, we’ll actually get to see these kids, you know… compete. These inner dramas are becoming a little exhausting, and we’re less than 10 episodes into the season. More gigantic singing numbers, less random musical acts. We could also do without the Coach Tenaka storyline.
You can click here to watch the entire episode. What did you guys think?
