I’m a day behind with this, as my DVR currently looks like this, but because I have nothing better to do today or in my life ever, here’s a Recap of Top Chef Las Vegas, Season 6 Episode 7, entitled “Let’s Get This Sh*t Over With So Jen, Kevin, And The Brothers Can Get To The Finale”

– DESPERATION MOVE OF THE WEEK: Eli, after appearing in the bottom, pulls the ol’ “Heartfelt call to Mom at the beginning of the show. Did I mention she has a rare form of cancer that can only be cured by $100,000 and a feature in Food & Wine Magazine?”

– BRAVO TEAM PLAYER AWARD: Ash, for his casual remark “We’ve been munching on these ALEXIA CRUNCHY SNACKS back at the house, but it’s tough to pair food with anything that has that much flavor.” He then smiled to the camera and his tooth gleamed and a “ding!” sound happened and it freeze-framed for two hours.

– My first reaction watching this week’s episode, after having only seen parts of the last two: “At least we won’t have to deal with Robi– [SILENCE. STROKE.]

– That Eli/Robin fight scene should have been about six hours shorter, give or take. Couldn’t they have saved some of that for the Deluxe Special Edition Top Chef Bonus Footage DVD? It also includes a twenty-five minute speech from Christopher Lee’s Lord of the Rings character.

– Robin also became the first person in the history of reality television, or television in general, or the English language in general, to ever utter the phrase “I’m not here to make friends.”

– Not to get out-cliched, last week, Ash uttered the universal decree of all doomed Top Chef competitors, and repeated it again this week. Let’s all say it together:



I



Still



Haven’t



Cooked



My



Food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like every overmatched cheftestant in history, Ash has been plagued by his decision week after week to cook food that is not his food, but in fact the food of someone else. He has only had thirty-eight episodes to correct this problem and yet has continued to cook food that is another person’s rather than his. But THIS week, he………….

(Elimination Challenge after the jump!)

– Mike Isabella: “I’ve cooked crappy food from NINE DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. Did some Lebanese this week, and next week, I think I’ll ruin……Turkish?”

– Could the Bravo producers more obviously be setting up a brothers rivalry in the finale? Clearly they realized early on that the brothers were both really skilled but also literally robots (their robotic taste analysis programs are impeccable, even though they do not consume hu-man food), and that they’d have to fight a little bit, however pointless, to make the finale more exciting. Next week: “I need to use the [BLEEP] rice cooker, bro!” “You are going to have to wait two minutes. Also, [BLEEP], I guess.”

– When Padma called Michael, Bryan, Jen, and Kevin to the Judges Table, I was really hoping she’d just say “Congratulations, everyone else is eliminated and we’re just gonna start the Finals now, because seriously: doy.”

– Ash was a predictable castoff this week; Robin sucks worse, but neither one of them had a shot at the finals and Bravo wanted to at least squeeze another week out of the Eli/Robin drama (literally another full week of footage, in realtime), and the Judges keep forgetting Laurine is actually one of the contestants and not a stagehand.

– Kevin wins, cries, still resembles Yukon Cornelius.

– I love how austerely Charlie Palmer kept referring to the “Pigs & Pinot” event, taking any slight personally; “You didn’t even take the wine pairing into account, which is the whole point of PIGS AND PINOT, dammit! This isn’t a frickin’ JOKE — it’s a pig-themed event called PIGS AND PINOT in which people cook pigs and pair them with Pinot, and you BETTER respect it, GODDAMMIT.

UPDATED POWER RANKINGS

1) Voltaggio Brothers, Kevin, Jen — Honestly, this season is like watching baseball in September after every team’s already locked up a playoff spot. As long as these four keep away from injuries and keep their bullpens rested, this is your final four.

Not 1) Everyone else — Who will go next week?? I can’t WAIT to see the precise order in which these equally not-great contestants get eliminated before the finale occurs with the aforementioned four people. Thrilling!

Episode thoughts? Favorite/least favorite parts? Anyone want to boldly predict a different Final Four, and precisely which person Bravo will screw and how? Leave ‘em in the comments.