Many moons ago, word traveled across the Atlantic and directly into my earhole that if there was a single food I was to avoid for the rest of my human eternity, that food should be Tabasco Brand Pepper Sauce. My source went on to say that this famous spicy sauce is made on Avery Island, a small island off the coast of Louisiana which manages to defy all FDA plant checks, resulting in Ratatouille stirring the batches up with a poo spoon. (Allegedly, of course.)

This information, of course, has not stopped hundreds of millions of people from using this red menace on nearly everything they eat, including my own father, who basically brushes his teeth with it. And frankly, we would never have even spread this information if it wasn’t for Tabasco’s latest advertising campaign, which ranks somewhere in between Killer Clowns from Outer Space and Invaders From Mars on my sliding scale of “Things I Will Discuss With My Therapist Once I Am Able to Afford One.”

Why’s that? Oh, no big deal really. It’s just that said ad campaign features A SINGING BARERSHOP QUARTET OF NIGHTMARES STICKING OUT OF PEPPERONI SLICES ON A PIECE OF PIZZA. For this, Tabasco, we will never forgive you.

This commercial might be America’s most divided issue (sorry health care). People either love it or hate it. There is no middle ground when it comes to singing pepperoni faces, is there?

And to put this entire thing into perspective, my aspiring actor friend Mike would like to point out that each one of those pepperoni faces probably made $75,000 for this. Chew on that.