Rachel is gone. Glee is without its “star.” We kick things off with Finn and Quinn singing the show’s banner song, “Don’t Stop Believin’.” You know, for a giant football player who fake-impregnated the captain of the cheerleading team, Finn is kind of an awkward dork jock. And aww, we love it.
Speaking of cheerleading, the captain of Glee’s Queerleading team (try the veal!), Kurt, is unpleased. And when asks the following — “Can we please talk about the giant elephant in the room?” — it sounds suspiciously similar to “Can we please talk about the vagina elephant in the room?” Pretty much the same thing, though slightly larger and more terrifying. But instead of Quinn’s pregnancy, he’s referring to the absence of Glee star Rachel. This episode sets out to answer that very vagina elephant question posed.
Yes, Mr. Schue’s wife is still keeping up the fake pregnancy, minus the morning sickness, but plus the many slices of pie. Get that Norbit fat suit drycleaned, Fox Network, because looks like Mrs. Schue will be packing on the non-embryo-related pounds in upcoming episodes. At the diner, ‘Teach runs into an old student who is still a senior, despite his age of 22, in order to continue singing with the rival high school’s Glee club. A plan, dear readers, is hatched.
Guidance Counselor Bambi convinces Finn that Glee Club is where the college scholarship money is at, which means getting Rachel back is essential to his (and his ghost child’s) livelihood. Meanwhile, across town (school), Rachel is absolutely miserable in the school play Cabaret. When not being harassed by the school newspaper editor (played by My So-Called Life’s Brian Krakow, almost), she’s being berated by Mr. Ryerson, the play’s director who is angling for the lead himself.
We’ll take this time to point out that Mr. Ryerson is played by the hilarious Stephen Tobolowsky, who you probably remember from Groundhog Day… where he played… Ned Ryerson. If my Lost theories hold true — and they almost never nearly do — this means that Glee’s Mr. Ryerson will most likely get punched in the face by a supporting character in an upcoming episode. #pointlessconspiracies
Guidance Counselor Emma Pillsbury dated Andrew Cunanan in high school, and may have played a role in the death of Versace. Discuss.
Mr. Schue contacts former classmate and first crush April Rhodes (played by Kelly Ripa Impersonator Kristin Chenoweth), who never graduated and, by default, is still eligible to join Glee Club. So, armed buffalo wings and a mission, Mr. Schue heads over to April’s cushy pad to pitch his… plan. The house, it turns out, is not hers, but thankfully that box of wine is. April agrees to ditch the sauce, sober up, and give Glee a try. Hold on… do you guys think they cast Cheno because she can also sing? Kudos, casting directors, you have done it again.
The most epic recap in BWE.tv history continues ahead.
It is at this moment we would like to mention who Ms. Rhodes seems to be based off of. Noneotherthan television legend Jerry Blank, played by Amy Sedaris. Forget the plot being nearly the same thing (drug addict returns to high school to complete degree), but even Cheno’s voice is straight out of the Blank School of Suggestive Inflection. For God’s Sake, they even look alike (kinda). Given our adoration of S.w.C., we’ll let this one slide, but just want some sort of cookie or prize for calling this one. (Have it mailed over.) #pointlessconspiraciespart2
Now, the highlight of the show. Ms. Rhodes is wheeled into the room on a gurney and introduced to the rest of the club, who is shocked by her age and emotionless forehead. To prove her worth, she has the pianist “Tinkles” cue up Cabaret’s “Maybe This Time”, which she duets with Rachel. It was here that the Earth physically shook, as gay men and their lady hags jumped off of their couches to cheer on a scene that could only be appreciated by this oft-forgotten group of Americans. This scene was almost too good for TV, and looked like something directed by Chicago’s Rob Marshall. We bring you the song in its entirety:
Click here to check out Liza Minnelli’s unforgettable original version from Cabaret.
The performance blows away the club, but they’re still not convinced that Ms. Rhodes is age-appropriate. So Mr. Schue tells her to, in other words, kiss their ass. And you know what that means… HALL & OATES MONTAGE!
Never Forget.
Where the hell did they find this guy, on the real?
That seals it: Cheno is in! And meanwhile, across town, Rachel is still being berated by Ryerson. “I know what I don’t want… and it is all… of… this.” She takes her stress out by “rehearsing” (her marriage vows) with Finn in the music room. They make plans to go bowling, which is code for “awkward bowling.” Rachel meets her cougar nemesis, and marches her and her “Hit Me Baby One More Time” wardrobe out of the room.
Oh no. Kurt is drunk off of Cheno’s Chablis. He looks a hot mess.
Kurt the 11-Year-Old Milkmaid then barfs and forces Bambi to go “full Silkwood“, a reference I had to look up to understad, because I was busy being 2 years old when the movie came out. Emma then does her thing, i.e. Getting all moral, on Mr. Schuester, re: Having a wino in Glee. You try getting her giant eyes out of your head. Not so easy, is it?
Rachel cries in the bathroom and then is a bitch to Ms. Rhodes. She doesn’t even have any Nyquil, rendering her totally useless. “That Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gotsma eye on.” — Jerrystin Blankowich.
Awkward bowling time! There’s some talk of putting fingers in holes, which is completely appropriate, and while Rachel might be a stage powerhouse, she’s horrendous at flinging heavy balls down a slippery lane. Mr. Schuester and April also happen to be bowling at the same time (Where do these people even live? The set of 1998’s Pleasantville?), which is really just an excuse to get them to sing a Heart duet… “Alone”:
Finn and Rachel are now eating pizza. Finn, who is becoming dorkier and therefore more adorable each passing episode, uses his masculine charms to lure Rach back to Glee. “I appreciate you.” — First time she has ever heard that, surely. She bowls a strike, and uses the perfect rom-com opportunity to kiss Finn. It is claw your face off awkward.
Thankfully, Finn Hellraiser Boxes the sitch to get Rachel back into the club. They hug, 80s music is played, and for a moment I fear I’m in the Back to the Future DeLorean hurtling back to 1985, when entertainment meant something.
Glee finds out Quinn is preggers through the mouth of the glorious and obviously very fertile Puck, who blames Finn’s sperm for the “problem.” Rachel over hears the news, and delivers such a zetz to Finn’s face that we refuse to believe it was staged. For God’s Sake, she quits again.
Yay, Sue Sylvester sighting!
April shows up for the big recital wasted. She makes out with Puck (bitch), honks Kurts nose (hilalalarious), and blames Will for believing her “sobering up” line, uttered while she was drunk. They are all in cowboy gear, so you know this performance will be the perfect amount of enjoyment and groan. (Groanjoyment? Grown Crawford? You figure it out.)
The sing Carrie Underwood’s “Last Name”, and dare I say it was the linedancing that stole the show away from Cheno. Between Kurt and Puck and Artie there was just too much to focus on. But it is fairly clear that this Glee club would certainly make it to at least the 5th round of America’s Best Dance Crew.
Will tells April it’s not going to work. Because of, you know, the “drink.” They kiss on the cheek and she leaves. Rachel, wearing her upcoming Captain Merrill Stubing Halloween costume, announces once and for all that she’s quit the play and wants back in. Sure, she doesn’t “know” the “choreography” for the next number (lies, Glee, lies: she knew it all too well) but she’ll give it a go!
The final number for tonight’s episode — and my favorite one to date — is Queen’s “Somebody to Love.” Because I have no life (see above 1500 word recap), this song was downloaded to my Ipod days ago and listened to a caterpillar handful of times. Something I will cease to do in the future because it seems to take away from the fresh joy of hearing the performances for the first time. Not to mention that Finn’s Farinelli opening note still makes my skin crawl. That aside…
IT’S STILL AMAZING.
If you don’t watch Glee, and made it to the end of this recap, what the hell is wrong with you? Get in on this show before the next thing you know it’s the 3rd season of The Wire and you just don’t have the time to catch up on it and it wins Emmys and sh*t and the water cooler becomes a cold and lonely place as does your life. All of the episodes are available on Hulu.
And if you do watch the show, duh, how much did you love everything about “The Rhodes Not Taken?” Tell us about it in the designated comments section, won’t you?
