Earlier this month, we alerted you to a commercial seemingly created at world famous ad agency “The Devil’s Taint & Co. LLP”: The Microsoft Songsmith Ad. For those whose virgin ears have never bled bile, allow us to explain: Sing a song into the Songsmith, and it creates a back-up track to whatever melody you had in mind. And while we’re sure the technology that went into this program is cutting edge, the MIDI-file shart-toppers it spits out are what music experts like to refer to as “pulling intestinal circus flags out of your own rotting carcass.”
To prove how not only useless but also offensive the Songsmith is, people around the globe have inputted the vocal tracks from classic songs to see what new, radioactive hybrid would be produced. We bring you some of those examples here in a list we’re calling “10 Songs Raped, Murdered by Microsoft Songsmith.”
(Ed. Note: I could not make it through more than 64 seconds of any of these. See if you can beat my record.)
10. The Police, “Roxanne”. We know what you’re thinking. “How could easily the worst Songsmith example come in at a measly #10?” Well, we need something to hook you with, right? We’re pretty sure the following mash-up is the only thing on planet Earth that could kill Sting’s Tantra-boner:
Ahead, more proof that music is now dead.
9. Oasis, “Wonderwall”. No fear though, folks. Once Liam and/or Noel catch wind of this monstrosity, they will surely track down every copy of Songsmith and kick the living sh*t out of it.
8. Radiohead, “Creep”. We can’t wait to see the Carnival Cruise commercial that’s born out of this musical ‘bortion.
7. Marvin Gaye, “I Heard It Through The Grapevine”. This song is almost as good as Fastball’s “The Way”. We said almost.
6. Billy Idol “White Wedding”. The perfect thing to play at the ceremony of a brother and sister who are getting married to each other.
5. The Beatles “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”. This is the song you will hear on your elevator ride to hell.
4. Beastie Boys, “Intergalactic”. White Rap: Suddenly not so cool anymore.
3. Metallica, “Enter Sandman”. I’m not gonna lie: I actually liked this song BETTER after being churned through the Songsmith cogs. It’s sort of Mannequin-esque!
2. Weezer, “Buddy Holly”. Do you still need proof that the Microsoft Songsmith is a deaf Chinese man playing the harpsichord in an abandoned subway station?
1. Notorious B.I.G., “Dead Wrong”. Not gonna lie… this one’s pretty good.
So, who survived?
