For those of you wondering what I’ll be doing the evening of October 4th, the answer is simple:

I’ll be curled up, remote firmly placed in banana hands, gettin’ my sign language on while watching My Monkey Baby on TLC (“The Lowpoint Channel”).

As though the title alone wasn’t enough to make you fling your own fecal matter with delight, the show’s description is the ass-picking icing on the evolutionary cake:

With her pink bedroom, a designer wardrobe, the latest toys, games and makeup, Jessica Marie is like any spoiled little girl… Except that she’s a monkey. (Ed. Note: Emphasis ours.) Just what makes a couple take on a 40-year commitment to an eternal toddler? How strong is the parent/monkey bond? And can a monkey really become a child substitute? It’s an extraordinary look into the real-lives of people parenting monkeys in America.

Are there more people like this? VH1, for real, get your sh*t together and jump on this rere train quick. Monkey baby dating show = $$$$.