It would be difficult to name to me a movie more personally despised, personally shunned, than the cinematic classic known as The Wizard of Oz. Sure, the stunts and costumes were out of this world or 1939, also known as “The Year When Abusing Dwarf Actors Was Perfectly Acceptable”. (Reality check: It took us years to be able to purchase Dunkie Donie holes without shivers shooting up the spine. Now we do so with aplomb, as they are delicious.)
The Wizard of Oz is the cinematic equivalent of hot liquid acid LSD barf flashback Napalm morning smell tiny peopled monsterfaced nightmare explosion happening all up in your face at the dentist’s office. In other words: It is our worst nightmare come to life, and just happens to be on film. (After Follow That Bird, of course.)
But why all this recycled Oz hatred? Well, folks, they’ve really done it this time. They are re-releasing The Wizard of Oz in HIGH-DEFINITION for one night only in September, to celebrate the movie’s 70th Anniversary. That’s right: High. Definition. This movie is the second to last thing we’d ever want to see in HD after this. For God’s sake: A MUNCHKIN HUNG HANGED HIMSELF DURING THE F**KING FILMING:
(*Yes, turns out it was some sort of Emu. But still… AN EMU HANGED HIMSELF DURING THE FILM. If the Emus can’t handle the heat, why should we?)
In fact, the only way we could imagine anyone sitting through The Wizard of Oz in High Def is if they were def high. Like medical marijuana laced with Kool Aid high. Then, and ONLY then, should you set a tiny, curly-shoed foot into the theater.
Otherwise, stay home, lock your doors, and just rock yourselves back and forth for a couple of hours. Same effect, and you save yourselves 10 dollars. Who’s with me? (Say all of you.)
