The rumble you felt emanating out of San Diego’s Comic-Con a few weeks ago was the simultaneous nerdgasm had by throngs of lonely boy-crotches while viewing the trailer for Avatar, the James Cameron opus which had to wait years to be made because the proper CGI technology did not exist back then. (Even though I’m pretttty sure Steven King’s Sleepwalkers came out 20 years ago with nearly identical cat face people.) While a poor quality version of the trailer leaked online a couple of weeks ago, today we’re given an “official” Avatar trailer, with which we can marvel at the pretty mind blowing special effects…

…then again. The trailer is basically a Jar Jar Binks barf of mish-mashed special effects with a side of Lord of the Rings deleted scenes and more than a pinch of Apocalypto. I’ve watched it three times and still have no idea what the hell this movie is about. Here is what I can deduce:

An earthling in a wheelchair lands on a post-apocalyptic planet that is basically Japan, where he comes across a glorious blue panther-person in a tank. Within seconds, a creep with a veiny forehead turns our wheelchaired hero into one of these blue panther-people. He escapes, on a mission, one assumes to take revenge on his creators (after all, he leaves an angry blue arm print on a window.) Just then, a bunch of f**kin’ dinosaurs show up and f**k sh*t up for everybody. December 2009.

Stop me if I’m wrong here: