Yesterday, Paula Abdul announced via a no-doubt sob-induced epic 5 tweets that she will not be returning as a judge for the next season of American Idol. Seriously, Paula hasn’t been this upset since divorcing Emilio Estevez. Fans of the show are undoubtedly crushed, and some are even threatening to boycott an Idol without Paula. While the legendary singer/dancer has certainly received her fair share of mockery for the insane antics she brought to the Idol stage, it is without a doubt that the show will suffer without her presence.
Here are 10 Reasons American Idol Will Suck Without Paula:
10. American Idol Will be a Show Full of Joylessness. Fact: Paula Abdul is the only American Idol judge who actually enjoys listening to people sing. Randy is there because it’s either AI or touring the country promoting lap bands; Kara is just happy to get her bikini-clad ass on people’s TVs; and Simon has trouble seeing any of the contestants due to all the money signs blocking his vision.
9. Sexual Tension with Simon Now Left Solely to Ryan Seacrest. Who is gonna fake make out with Simon for laughs now? The answer to that rhymes with Flyin’ Kneebreast. Can you ever imagine that uptight B Kara agreeing to this kind of stunt?
8. Contestants Might Actually Have to Have Talent to Get To Hollywood. Paula was the permanent greenlight to Hollywood. Without her substitute teacher like leniency in the audition room, how the HELL are aspiring strippers supposed to get a free trip to Hollywood? Slut Dreams = Crushed.
7. No More Tears to Cry. Here’s a bit of irony for you: While Paula Abdul was easily the most cyborg-like of all of the AI judges, she also was the only one who knew how to shed a tear or two (thousand). How is the viewing audience at large going to remember how to feel without Paula’s waterworks cues? Check out this compilation of Paula’s ~raw~ emotion and imagine a season with only Randy’s Cur-ettes syndrome and Kara’s thin-lipped enthusiasm to sit through, and you will no doubt yourselves cry:
6. Alcoholism Will Go Way Down. A Google search of “Paula Abdul Drinking Game” nets 32,900 results. ANd without Paula? That’s 32,900 less shots America will take as a whole. 32,900 less high fives; 32,900 less stomachs pumped; 32,900 less good times had by America. Do you really want to be responsible for such a steep drop in “fun times” Fox? We don’t think so.
The Top 5 Reasons Ahead.
5. Empty Air Will No Longer Be Filled with Genius, Drug-Induced Rambling. This is 1:21 minutes of beauty. Which you can say goodbye too without Paula,
4. Say Goodbye to Cleavage. Without Paula, whose cleavage will American Idol’s 4 straight guys marvel at? Randy’s? No thank you.
3. One Less Gay Icon to Indicate Which Contestants Are G. Paula Abdul was the go-to indicator to try and figure out which American Idol contestant was being shoved back into the closet by Fox brass. Remember back to when Adam Lambert was on the show last season. Even though Lambert kinda flamed out every now and again and again and again while performing, it wasn’t until we saw the Paula love in his eyes and his magnetic smile that we knew his love for the ladies was strictly gaysexual. Without Paula, we will as a nation will be solely left with our gaydars and nothing else to determine our reproductive Idol futures.
2. She’s the Only Person Who Ever Let On That American Idol Is, In Fact, Entirely Scripted. Only Paula Abdul could get away with revealing just exactly how scripted the show is. Like when she revealed that her performance comments were actually written (likely by producers) during rehearsals. Sham-wow:
1. The End of the Amazing Morning Show Interview. Oh Paula. Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula Paula. We will miss you, darling.
Leave your favorite Paula memories in the comments.
