Oh, you salty old prostitute known as The Past, you’ve done it again. Above, my own 5th grade class photo, uploaded by a long ago friend on Facebook. The year was 1992, the Miami weather balmy as usual, as the 30 or so backward-panted youngsters were ushered unto a grassy lawn where our awkwardness would be captured for a lifetime.
And despite the fact that I was sporting the same haircut worn by the woman in Ferris Bueller who spits soda into Principal Rooney’s face, and despite the fact that I had spent the last year of my life with a short haircut right as Pat was making it big on SNL, I still wanted to dress up for the big day. So, I sported my favorite sweatshirt at the time: An oversized white number that said “Collins” on the front, along with the Collins family crest. Nevermind the fact that this was a fabricated last name which replaced my original, much Jewier birth name. That sweatshirt spoke volumes about my sophisticated fake English past. And the good news is? They still almost make it!
Hopefully, you’ve figured out which one I am above.
Though say what you will about my haircut, this photo is certainly an improvement over my own personal fashion choices from only a few years earlier…
As they are wont to say, “You still got it, Collins.”
