Us Weekly, as always, on top of this gritty exposé:

Michelle Obama

Never Cut Her Hair

Hair ye, hair ye: Michelle Obama didn’t cut her hair.

Her hairstylist Johnny Wright reveals that he gave her an “tuck up,” which she debuted at a country music event at the White House Tuesday.

“No, I didn’t cut her hair,” he tells UrbanBeautyCollective.com. “There are two things I do. The UP-TUCK, like you are tucking something in. Then I do a TUCK-UP. The UP-TUCK is when I position a small ponytail somewhere on the head, and then I tuck the rest of the hair up under that ponytail. Then a TUCK-UP is when I take the hair and gather it all in the back and I twist it and I pull up and tuck. And that is what she got last night! A TUCK UP! Not a cut.”

Oh. My. F-word. God.

Here we were, bein’ all like “Oh, Michelle Obama probably cut her hair for a country music event this weekend,” but the truth was that you just had a “tuck-up.” That is NOT the same thing, as explained in that paragraph. And you never said a GOD DAMNED WORD. I have never been more disappointed in my government, and I remember that time Bush called a generic brand tissue a Kleenex, so I’ve lived through my share of controversy.

Us Weekly, for this story, you deserve the Journalism Award of Earth. Congratulations.