"I would just like to thank the tabloids, from the bottom of my heart, for everything you've done for us over the years..."

Stevie Wonder performs his hastily rewritten "I Just Called To Say Michael Jackson"

"Guys, come on -- that 'MJ Ghost' cardboard cutout hanging from the ceiling is pretty uncool..."

"Who could ever forget that time Michael punched Bubbles' rival chimp in the crotch? It didn't even make the front seven pages of the news that day! Yep, that was MJ in his prime..."

"I tried my best to awkwardly cram a segue into racism into this speech, but for once, I failed. So I'll simply conclude by saying, MAN is 'Rock With You' a kick-ass song."

"The idea of a funeral may be highly amusing to us immortals, but regardless, Michael's legacy..."

John Mayer runs his impressive streak of "Token White Performer At Black Musician Tribute" appearances to a record 36,000.

"But personally, I will always remember Michael for his Street Fighter-esque Tiger-knees that he unleashed on the faces of his critics..."

Everyone pretends to enjoy the song "Will You Be There."

"I just want to be able to tell my baby that he attended such a momentous occasion. I'll tell him later today. He's three, and was hiding under my dress the whole time."

"Jiminy jillickers! Jiminy jillickers! Jiminy jillickers!"

"Oh wow, Brooke Shields wasn't kidding about that ghost..."