Today, a realization: On paper, Adam Lambert might just be the perfect husband. Think about it… he’s tall, handsome, talented, gay, and Jewish. (Hava Nagila record screeches to a stop.)
That’s right: Jewish. Our little glam rock star from the Planet Blue Eyes is indeed an undercover J person. At first, we were shocked, as we had never seen a Jewish person able to inseminate people through their eyeholes before. But the more we martin mulled over it (and believe us, we mulled), it all started to make sense…
Jewish people have suffered through thousands of years of oppression and battled some of the most brutal forces in history. But, instead of setting it to music, as black people did with the blues, we just got really good with money. UNTIL Adam Lambert. Those screams you heard up there on that American Idol stage were not just the freakish skills of a young boy with a magical fairytale dream. They were the shrieks of the ghosts of our tragic history.*
*Ed. Note: Nothing stated above is meant to make any sense.
Where was I? Ah yes. Move over Gene Simmons: The world has a new Jewish Glam Rocker to worship. First, we bring you a clip of Adam singing “As You Walk With Me” in Hebrew at a 2005 Yitzhak Rabin’s “Celebration of Life” concert. If you’ve never heard Jewish music before, and find this song a bit tedious, a. join the club and b. understand why Lambert now identifies as “agnostic.” If Jews had invented gospel, you can be damn sure this em-effer would be davening the day away every Sabbeth.
Ahead, we offer evidence that each and every Adam Lambert song should be 8 minutes long, with his studio version of “Long Time Coming”. If you can’t understand why we were a little upset last night, take a listen.
