Recently, on one of our weekly American Idol recaps, a commenter pointed out Adam Lambert‘s striking similarity to BWE.tv’s former most famous singing satyr, All My Children‘s Zarf. We gave a small laugh and pushed that thought aside while watching fan-made Youtube videos of Adam’s stranger, way way way gayer days. “Imagine that… Zarf!” our brains phsawed, and about our daily Lamberting we went.
But the thoughts persisted. Surely, Adam Lambert was the most fabulous thing to ever happen to prime time television. But was he possibly more fabulous than Zarf, the chicken-cutlet-wearing, fake-British-accent-sounding transsexual who turned All My Children into a rousing drama of Shakespearean proportions? This seemed like a quandry that needed loads and loads of investigating. So we ask you, the readers:
WHO IS MORE FABULOUS: Adam Lambert vs. Zarf? Ahead, we’ve pitted the two against each other, using some of our favorite Zarf clips against some or the rarer Lambert performances. Let the flames begin.
ZARF – THE FIRST BREAKDOWN: This is the monologue that started it all… the slinky slip, the big, masculine hands. All it requires of you is to do one simple thing: LOOK AT HIM.
ADAM LAMBERT – THE FIRST BREAKDOWN. This video culled from the bowels of the internet shows a pre-Idol Lambert trying to sway a local crowd with a delightful performance of “Gotta Get Thru This.” It’s light on the robot, but heavy on the fabulous. NOTE: Please remove all dogs from the room before playing.
WINNER: ZARF. Frankly, nothing could beat that monologue. It’s Smithsonian worthy.
ZARF: SINGS A LADY TO SLEEP: Creepy. But soft. And sweet. Like a serial killer who murders with kindness.
ADAM LAMBERT: FEELING GOOD: Oh hale naw. Nobody sways their hips down a long flight of lit up steps like Lambert, NOBODY.
WINNER: Lambert.
ADAM LAMBERT – IT’S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO YESTERDAY: This video of a young Lambert regaling his high school class with a version of our favorite Boys II Men song at his high school graduation proves a couple of things: 1. He’s always been orangey, 2. He ate his feelings, and 3. His classmates hated gay people. If my ass was there I would have been front row, hands clasped, weeping, NOT snapping my gum and picking grass out of my toes.
ZARF – YOU RAISE ME UP: Sung at a funeral, Zarf really shows us his true colors. The audience here is only slightly more upset than the above graduating class. And while the circumstances might account for Zarf’s cracking voice, we still would have rather heard Mariah’s version of “Open Arms” (which shall be played at our own funeral, as from the POV of GOD).
WINNER: Lambert. Just by sheer talent.
ZARF – THE ME INSIDE: Here is Zarf’s fabulous official music video, “The Me Inside”, filmed on location at a sailor yard somewhere in Brooklyn. Bonus points for bravery.
Zarf s Final Word – The Me Inside
ADAM LAMBERT – KISS AND TELL: Before American Idol, Adam Lambert released a song called “Kiss and Tell”. And it’s a real shame that Adam does not live in Estonia, as this song would have been a SHOE-IN to win the Eurovision competition. Taken together with this fan-created music video, this might be the only — and we mean ONLY — thing more fabulous than Zarf’s “The Me Inside” music video.
WINNER: Oh snap y’all… WE CAN’T DECIDE. OUR BRAINS ARE NO LONGER OF THE FUNCTIONING KIND.
TELL US WHO YOU THINK IS MORE FABULOUS IN THE COMMENTS!!
