Please use this handy viewer’s guide while watching the following clip of Debarge making a very special appearance on Punky Brewster — easily the best 8 minutes of footage the 1980s ever produced:

0:12: Brandon the Goldy Retriever helps Punky set up a pretty good one liner.
0:29: What the hell is going on here?
0:41: Seriously… my lady parts are shrugging their vag shoulders. What are these things?
0:53: I CANNOT BREATHEETHTHETHEHTEHWKWEKJSLDKFSJLDKFJSDFSA.
1:46: “And we can’t have that.” — Julliard grad perhaps?
1:53: OK, I get it! This is an In Living Color parody.
2:24: The best high five in recorded television history.
2:49: “She’ll be alright… She’s a nuss.”
(Guide continues below.)

3:25: I can’t follow this anymore because my brains just leaked out of my eyeballs like head gravy and I’m dead now. Is this some sort of old-fashioned auto-tune or did the Punky Brewster set actually have an old Victrola handy to create these sounds?
3:26 – 4:52: Despite my college education, I don’t understand what I’m looking at. Except for 4:36, which is inspired.
4:53: Oh f**k me, there is MORE!
5:35: Wait, is Sanjaya Malakar actually like 48 years old?
6:20: THE WHITEST THING EVER CAUGHT ON CAMERA.
7:33: The highlight of the DeBarge Career.
7:59: Get the paddles out, because I’m dead now.

Please, I beg you to leave whatever thoughts you can possibly form in the comments.