A couple of weeks ago, I slapped together a highly unprofessional letter to Sir Donald Trump, ordering him to return the 2 hours of my life spent watching his reality show The Celebrity Apprentice back after what amounted to a bullsh*t elimination. That week, The Donald fired T-Boz Watkins and Khloe Kardashian for reasons having nothing to do with the 2 hour task at hand.
Still, I gave Trumpy another chance because — let’s face it — I’m obsessed with Joan Rivers and would never dream of missing an episode. But last night was what expert’s refer to as “Michelle’s Final Straw”. That’s because, after sitting through an excruciatingly boring challenge involving a Right Guard ad in Sports Illustrated, once again America was GYPPED (sorry, gypsies, but even you know it’s true) in the boardroom.
You see, Playboy Playmate Brandy and Poker Player/Himmler impersonator Annie were left on a team with Melissa Rivers, who has really proven herself to be useful throughout the season. 
But because Melissa wasn’t in their clique, she was left out in the cold, forced to fend for herself in the hopes of not being eliminated at the end of the night. Brandy gave Annie all the responsibility; Annie screwed everything up; Melissa was along for the ride.
It was pretty clear to most everyone (in my family at least) that Brandy deserved the gold plated boot for being, simply put, mildly retarded. The only problem being… Donald Trump has almost definitely put his penis inside of her at some point in time. So, rather than it coming down to who made the biggest mistakes during the challenge, it ended up coming down to who could raise the most money during the finale.
Which leads me to ask: Why isn’t this garbage show called “The Celebrity Fundraiser”?
Because if all that mattered to Donald was how much money these people could raise for charity — i.e. who has the richest, most generous friends — we could have turned this into a one night Jerry Lewis telethon and called it a damn day. The celebrity that raises the most money in a two-hour span wins! Hours and hours of extremely hectic Sunday night schedule saved.
But no. Trump fired Melissa Rivers. And Melissa went out in SPECTACULAR fashion! God bless her. If you missed the fierceness of her departure, here it is:
The problem Trump now faces for being a two-faced a**hole? Looks like Joan, being a woman of all class, isn’t showing up to next week’s challenge. Which means we’re now left with 4 of the more boring contestants on the entire show battling it out: Clint, Jesse (who sadly has no personality), Annie and Brandy.
In other words, Said My DVR To Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice… “You’re Fired”. Thanks for nothing, The Donald.
ps I cannot stand Jim Cramer’s idiot face ever since his recent Daily Show takedown.
