This is a recap for The Top 7 (Again) on American Idol Season 8, theme: Disco. You can see the performances here. Remember, due to the judges saving of Matt Giraud last Wedneday, two contestants will be going home this week.
Lil Rounds “I’m Every Woman”: Week in, week out, Lil’s voice is simply all over the place. I half-expected a feral cat to mount her halfway through the performance. (OMG how adorable would half-cat/half-Lil babies be?) You always know a contestant is in trouble when they try to distract people from their singing by walking around the judges, waving their arms in the air, throwing out a couple of “come on!”‘s and “Hey!”‘s, and making sure their cameltoe is front and center. You could just see the desperation in Lil’s eyes, and in our ears. In fact, this was the first time in Idol history that, while listening to the main performer, I started thinking about how pissed off the actually talented back-up singers must be. RATING 3/10
Kris Allen “She Works Hard for the Money”: “It’s actually the story about a woman… and she’s working hard for the money” — Kris Allen. Good ol’ Busker Keaton pulled out the gee-tar and some congo players to disembowel easily my favorite “Dance When Nobodies Looking” tune. This week, I opted not to look at Kris while listening to him, because I find that I’m so distracted by his raptor jaw that it tends to ruin the song itself for me. That being said… I still thought he was “Meh”-Cauley Suckin!! (Ed. Note: I’m high on Lithium right now. JK?) But, because I know a lot of you folks would gladly work hard for Kris’ money, I’ll bump up his score a bit. And then immediately bump it down because Kara sorta overdid it in her review. RATING 5/10
Danny Gokey “September”: Earth, Wind and Fire. I f*cking love Earth, Wind and Fire. In fact, I just decided I’m going to name my first four children “Earth”, “Wind”, “And”, & “Fire”, then line them up and teach them how to melt hearts and play horn. So it might not be surprising to hear that, for maybe the first time ever, I didn’t not completely despise Gokey. This might have been one of the only Danny Gokey performances I ever enjoyed. Sure, it sounded like all other Gokey performances, only this time he added in the elements of sweet 70s autumnal lovemaking. Admit it: If you were on a cruise, a little tipsy, and Gokey busted out on stage singing this number, you would be braless in 4 seconds flat (that goes for you too, fellas.) RATING 8/10
Allison Iraheta “Hot Stuff”: Believe it or not, I loved Allison’s outfit. Then again, I dress like a Russian prostitute. Sequins, rhinestones, glitter, bugle beads; the more the f**king merrier. And not everyone can pull off a tight, sparkly garbage bag, so for that she gets our impressed frowny-nod face. Plus, she tamed the mullet! Now, “Hot Stuff” isn’t my favorite disco song, and it seems that Allison would have been better off singing one of the best disco numbers ever, Thelma Houston’s “Don’t Leave Me This Way.” If DialIdol’s predictions are correct, Allison is in last place… which is BLASPHEME — a Lambert/Iraheta final is the only way this show should end. RATING 6/10
Adam Lambert “If I Can’t Have You”: From the moment I saw Adam in his clean-cut, Noxema-faced best, I knew in my heart I was going to fall in love with him all over again, as I do every week. The fact that he makes out with other dudes does nothing to stop my desire to liquify him, pour his remains onto a plate, and absorb him up with a biscuit — or, as some of you may say, “sop.” Guess who else connected emotionally to “If I Can’t Have You”? Me. Last week’s Steppenwolf number was a touch embarrassing, but this week was typical fabulous “slow” Adam back front and center. He was amazing. It felt like his song was way short — so much so that I actually timed his song in comparison to Lil, whose song went on (cue Sandlot) Forever. Adam clocked in at 1:42… and Lil? Only 1:35. Meanwhile, when Kara told him he looked like a guy from “Saturday Night Live“, I was sure she was dropping an obscure Night at the Roxbury reference, only to realize she meant “Saturday Night Fever.” And props to Ryan for his “Pool of Abdul” joke — genius and true. RATING 9/10
Matt Giraud “Stayin’ Alive”: Too bad Matt Giraud couldn’t sing the Schindler’s List theme last night — not only would it have been appropriate, it being Holocaust Rememberance Day and all that — but it’s probably the only other most obvious song he could have sung. Because, sadly for Matt, no one ever wrote a disco song called “Hey, America, You Look Beautiful Tonight! Plus You Smell Fantastic! Did You Lose Weight? (Remixxx)” Matt surely would have sung it. This is a desperate man facing desperate measures. After being saved by the judges last week, Giraud was pulling out all the stops. And with “Stayin’ Alive”, all he wanted to do was throw open the tiny metal porthole into our hearts, crawl on in, and spoon no less than 2 chambers. But the scariest thing? MATT WASN’T THAT BAD! In fact, I thought he was better last night than any other previous week on the show. Then again, I’m a sucker for desperate guys (gentlemannnnnn). RATING 6/10
Anoop Desai “Dim All The Lights”: My knowledge of disco songs is fairly extensive — yet Anoop managed to snag a Donna Summer I had never actually heard before. And, having listened to the original version, I can honestly say it’s a song I’m just not all that crazy about. That being said, Anoop was “a’ight”. His voice sounded OK — the end was a nightmare — but frankly I was a little distracted by the 80s rapist Halloween costume/facial hair situation happening. AND SERIOUSLY WHAT WAS WITH HIS EYEBROWS? Can we close in on them for a second?
Please, America, keep him around for one more week so that I may coin my new Anoop nickname… Anoop Desai-Brows. RATING 5/10
Thoughts? Open Thread in the Comments!
