Looking for a costly, creative and yet completely necessary way of ensuring your children will hate you for the rest of their damaged lives? Well have we got the answer for you! Tableheads.
Tableheads:
Tableheads. Human heads camouflaged as something completely ordinary — such as the above pineapple, which has a subtle, tropical Charles Manson-vibe to it — who then talk to you at parties. According to their pretty self-explanatory website, Tableheads.com:
This is not your normal entertainment. When something on the table talks back to you….. it’s not normal….but it’s what we do!
You know, it’s funny. That same adage could be applied to so many other things we love (Snuff Films: “This is not your normal entertainment. When something in a porn is murdered….. it’s not normal….but it’s what we do!”), and yet why, oh WHY, do we want to attack these various Tableheads with the nearest blunt marble object?
Imagine the looks on your co-workers faces when they go to get their morning 9 am cup o’ joe, only to find their local child in brownface asking them if they saw the latest 30 Rock:
(Many more NSFL Tableheads await you…)
“How about those Steelers? Sir, wait! Wait! I’m a hired actor!” — Tableheads.com
And nothing adds a little spice to the Fam Reuny like a Juilliard graduate with her head coming out of a tablehole, the smile plastered across her face only further proving that she’s just in it buy a used Honda to get to and fro auditions:
I can’t even tell if Bananahead is a man or a woman:
But I can tell that if they ever make a Pan’s Labyrinth remake, this androgynous nightmare should cast as the the f**king lead.
Funny enough, these fruit heads at least make sense (Wanna spice up the conference? Wait til half the attendees sh*t their pants!). But can someone please tell me in what capacity would anyone need to hire LEMONGRASS HEAD:
Maybe they just hired him to keep Parsley Head a little company:
If I ever decide to kill myself, I’m hiring every single available Tablehead to watch. Trust me, watching them struggle to dial 911 with their faces will be my ultimate joke on this planet.
(Found via Intern Erin Winterbottom. Follow her on Twitter!)
