- OH GAWD: Star Magazine reports that Chris Brown might leak a sex tape of him and Rihanna. This whole situation has gotten so disgraceful, I might not even pre-order one. (Star)
- CRIMINAL: In other meaningful Rihanna news, The LAPD pulled over Rihanna’s SUV for not having a front license plate. I honestly cannot think of a worse thing a celebrity has ever done. (Extra)
- HOME GYNECOLOGICAL DEGREE: Hustler is releasing an all-HD porn channel. Customers will then have to pay extra to revert back to the Standard Definition channel. (Warming Glow)
- THIS D*CK DOESN’T COME WITH INSTRUCTIONS: John Mayer’s penis fell asleep. We all got problems, pal – mine’s in the Witness Protection Program! Eyyyyyyyooooo… sooooo let’s see who we got in the crowd tonight… (Socialite Life)
- MIXED MESSAGE: Wait…why is the cat saying “Free Kenley?” Is it some kind of air-traveling masochist? (Gawker)
