- The newest Real Housewife of New York, the purebred, equestrian Kelly Bensimon, has been arrested for assault, after beating up her boyfriend. I would make a “get her with Chris Brown stat!” joke, but I’m pretty sure she would murder Brown with her bare hands. It wouldn’t be a fair fight.
- Quentin Tarantino is so f*cking cool, he doesn’t even change out of his bum costume when he goes clubbing. He just goes with it, mini-liquor bottles and all.
- The Octomom has accepted help from a charity, and will now have round-the-clock care for her 14 children. So kids, I’d like you to meet your new Dad, Bernadita Consuela Ramirez.
- Memo to Chris Brown: You’re fired.
- Now, forgive me for a bit of the ol’ self-promotions, but I just want to thank everyone who voted for me for the Best Female Comedian ECNY Award. The event took place last night, and veeeeery surprisingly… I won! Good thing I wore an almost floor-length maxi dress to celebrate. It was the last award to be presented, and I was starting to feel the 14 peach bellinis I had downed. Due to my diabetic haze, I forgot to make easily the best joke I’ve ever written, so allow me to just tell it to you here: “Who the hell do I think I am? Robert Gowney Jr.?!? (Grabbing the 5 or so awards left on the table) (Ed. Note: I actually did this.) That’s my time!” So, yeah, clearly extremely deserved. Check out the hilarious Claudia Cogan’s recap of the evening.
