We’ve ripped on Michael Phelps more than our fair share these past two weeks, and justifiably so, but during this recent Phelps-bong-firestorm there’s one phrase that keeps coming up on talk shows and in newspaper columns that really makes me laugh, and I finally broke down this morning when a Today Show viewer called in and repeated, for the billionth time in the past two weeks:
“Michael Phelps needs to be charged. He should receive the same treatment as anybody else.”
I’m no legal expert, nor am I a legal novice, nor am I someone who is capable of spelling the word ‘legal’ without cross-checking it on Dictionary.com four times, but that being said, I do know one thing for certain: if you were to bring a photograph of some dude holding a bong into a police station and demand that the police therefore charge that person with a crime, you are a f*cking moron.
I imagine the scenario would go down something like this, probably verbatim:
PERSON: Excuse me, officers?
[Ten Minutes of Getting Someone's Attention In Bustling, Understaffed Police Station Later]
PERSON: Hello, officer. I have here in my possession a photographic picture of a human being holding a bong, a device for smoking marijuana pot, up to his lips!
[Five seconds of silence]
OFFICER: And?
PERSON: I believe this person should be charged with the illegal crime of smoking marijuana, as evidenced by said photograph.
[Ten more seconds of silence]
OFFICER: You’re serious?
PERSON: What do you mean ‘am I serious?’ The fellow in this photograph from a time and place I cannot verify is likely smoking illegal marijuana via this drug instrument, and that is not allowed in these United States and if you don’t arrest him based on this picture then you are giving him special treatment.
OFFICER: You do realize how many rapes, murders, and burglaries occur in our city on every given day, right?
PERSON: But it’s a PHOTO-GRAPH!!! Why are you giving this person SPECIAL TREATMENT???
[Officer Walks Away In Disbelief, Proceeds To Work On One Of Many Actual Crimes]
PERSON: I am ANGRY!!!
