Last night, my Mother, Florida resident and British tabloid fan Judy Collins, took time out of her busy Solitaire playing schedule to watch a portion of The Golden Globes with me over the telephone, while my father Mel chose to watch 24 “in the other room”. Unfortunately, our conversation was cut short when she insisted being on my cell phone for so long was giving me a brain tumor, and abruptly hung up the phone on me.
Luckily, I was still able to snag some golden Mom quotes on various celebrities throughout the evening. I bring you those quotes here:
On Renee Z.:
- “She looks like the merry widow or something. I don’t like the dress, and I think she looks freaky.”
On Jonathan Rhys-Myers:
- “Come on give it to him. He was so good in The Tudors! (Upon hearing of his loss): K*somuk! (An Arabic curse meaning, loosely, “em effer.”)
On Anna Paquin:
- “That’s Anna Paquin??? She looks fabulous. Some people were meant to be blonde. I wonder what you would look like blonde?” (Sound of phone clicking as I give up.)
On Kevin Bacon’s Financial Troubles:
- Mom: “Kevin Bacon and his wife lost millions to Bernie Madoff.”
Me: “Get out of here.”
Mom: “No, I’m not getting out of here. (Angry) Don’t you read the sh*t I read?”On the man escorting the actresses up the stage:
- “Is that Seal???” (A minute later) “I think it’s Seal.”
On The Jonas Brothers:
- “They’re Sheg Dugos” (a Hungarian phrase meaning “ass corks”, a phrase previously saved for the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker.)
On Sally Hawkins extended acceptance speech and putting her trophy down:
- “It probably weighs as much as her! We don’t give a shi*t! Just
talk and get the hell off. I mean, three people in that room saw this movie. Do you think they care? There should be a book called “How to Act When You Win an Award.” Thank the people — get the f*ck off. And don’t pick on the women that lost. We don’t care about them! They lost, end of conversation. Particularly unknown people like her. Now for SURE I’m not going to see the movie. You know why? Cause I’m a Happy Go Lucky girl! (Laughing at her own joke for remainder of 5-minute speech.)On Jake Gyllenhaal:
- “Does he ever shave that fakakta beard?”
On Drew Barrymore:
- “Look how stunning she looks. Look what a good haircut a little teasing can do. She’s never looked better!”
On Ralph Fiennes:
- “What happened to this man? What the f*ck is with that haircut? What a shame…”
On John Adams:
- Mother: “This is gonna sweep it. Because this was sensational.”
Me: (incredulous) “You watched it?!?”
Mother: “MmmNoooo….?”
On Tom Cruise:
- “Wow, he really is a good looking guy.”
On the new cast of Celebrity Apprentice:
- “I don’t care who the cast is. I like Donald Trump, and that’s it. I’m addicted to him! He should have run for president as a Republican. He would have had my vote.”
On Tom Brokaw:
- “He’s turned into an alta cocker. And his bow tie is a little too tiny there.”
On Frank Langella:
- “You know, he had a love affair with Whoopi Goldberg for many years.” (Added to this list because I did not, in fact, know that.)
On Laura Linney’s Yellow Gown:
- “A blond woman should never wear this kinda color. I hate her hair, just a shloompa poompa.” (Ed. Note: I have no idea what this means, nor does Google.)
On Seth Rogen:
- “I hate him like garbage, but he lost a sh*tload of weight. Let’s find out what he did so we can do it.”
(A For Your Consideration post is on its way.)
