We’ve seen some crazy baby products in our times: Baby toupees, wacky pacifiers, slutty miniature high heels. But perhaps no product is as mind-boggling as the following, simply because this particular item seems to be marketed in a non-novelty shop setting. The Kiddopotamus SwaddleMe is a gigantic (to a baby) fleece blanket diaper that wraps around an infants arms and legs, rendering it into nothing more than battery-free glow worm.
While some may argue that the SwaddleMe is an adorably fuzzy way to turn your baby into a football with a heartbeat, I feel that this is in fact cruel and possibly harmful to the well-being of your kid. According to the SwaddleMe’s Amazon page, this product:
- Soft fabric wings hug your baby close and stay securely in place with self-fasteners so baby stays comfortably swaddled all night long.
- As baby grows, wings adjust for a perfect, customized fit for your baby.
- Easy diaper changes! The leg pouch pops down for easy diaper checks with no need to unwrap baby’s arms.
I see two problems with the above description: One is wrapping your baby in a fleece cocoon while it sleeps seems cruel. What if you baby has a tiny, 1 millimeter itch on his head. Should he just lay there all night, awake, wishing he could free his mini-nail from his body cast? Two: Diaper changes. How else is your little one supposed throw his own sh*t at you? With his eyes? Unlikely.
The product claims to soothe infants by recreating conditions found in the womb. My theory is that if God wanted your baby swaddled like in the womb, we’d be pregnant anywhere from 11 to 14 months, instead of the current plan of 9. (Note: This is both scientifically and factually retarded.)
But SwaddleMe’s Worst Offense? That’s simple:
IT MAKES YOUR BABY LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.
Exhibit B: You turn your baby into nothing more than a discontinued 80s Fisher-Price toy:
Ed. Note: I will gladly wrap my baby in 3 to 4 of these things if it helps to “keep it down.” Just gotta get preggers first, gentlemen.
